Auditory Abominations: Top 20 Worst Music Videos - Part 2

Part One: http://auditoryabominations.blogspot.ca/2017/01/auditory-abominations-top-20-worst_25.html

10. "Whatzupwitu" - Eddie Murphy ft. Michael Jackson

This video commits sin by being a bad video that starts with a Discworld reference. Aside from that the rest of the beginning of this video are unconvincing green screen and a monochromatic Eddie Murphy surrounded by bad CG and lame computer effects. Whenever something moves past Eddie in this video, I can't help but see the line it's following, if it was a flash cartoon, I'd be seeing the motion tweens. Speaking of bad effects, Michael Jackson randomly sparkles into the video, and trust me when I say that is the one thing that makes the most sense in this entire video, I mean, music bars appear and they don't even stand on them, that is how little this music video makes sense. Also, I'm going to kick myself if I don't make this joke:

Yeah, almost all the transitions in this video are dissolves.

Steering back to the topic at hand, Michael brings nothing to this music video, all he really does is bob up and down, move his head back and forth and move his arms, there is no energy and no real passion. Then random stuff happens where it starts to rain Michael Jacksons, a heart frame appears over the both of them, and children in uniforms appear right out of nowhere circling both performers. Do I have to go on? About here is where I quit the video, I couldn't comprehend what I was watching, and also because the song itself was unbearable.

9. "Because I Love You (The Postman Song) - Stevie B

To be fair, I have never seen a music video so perfectly matched with any song before this one, the problem is that it also matched quality wise.

I don't care how cinematic and artsy you make a person doing nothing look, that doesn't hide the fact that the person is still doing nothing. Stevie here mostly stands by a wall or sits at a piano while the camera fades to other shots of him standing by a wall or sitting at his piano, and although my previous statement implied any effort of cinematics or artsy... ness, I guess, there really is none. I can count on one hand everything that happens in this video, and that amount of fingers I raise to this video, you can take that either way you want.

8. "Secular Haze" - Ghost BC

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that this is the choice where most people would flip out over, yeah the song is good, but that doesn't make the video good.

If you want to gage how bad this video is, think of the worst SNL sketch you've ever seen and there you go. That's what "Secular Haze" reminds me of, a bad SNL sketch or even worse an abysmal SNL performance. The camera shifts around a lot and comes in and out of focus it feels like a drunkard was behind the camera, sometimes the camera just films random plumes of smoke moving because, I can't even make the argument that it's artsy, it's just random, and I don't even think it's for the sake of being random. The music video then ends with so many bright colours that it looks like Rainbow Bright was caught in the middle of a care bear orgy. You would think that a music video of the 2010s would have a little bit more effort than this. If you wanted to see cut Muppet Show content, this is the music video for you.

But at the very least, the song is pretty good, unlike my next entry...

7. "The Climb" - Miley Cyrus

I quite honestly have yet to see a video that is simultaneously pretty to look at but lacking any real substance. The video is kind of pretty with it's blue and purple lights and scenery, but it has the same issue as "Come and Get It", in that it is really style over substance, only this time it's more obvious.

The majority of the video is Miley just walking on a road, and stopping to pick up a rose, and watching some CG horses run past and then we see clips from the movie, which I never saw and don't have any desire to. We also get to see her stop and play for a few shots, but quite honestly, I have had a more interesting experience looking at a Chia Pet, just without all the admittedly pretty scenery.

6. "Go West" - Pet Shop Boys

You know, these visuals would look amazing, on a Sony PlayStation. The CG in this music video is texture less and reminds of a Video Brinquedo animated movie (Look them up, then you'll understand). If that was the only issue than the video wouldn't be so high, but the video surrounds itself in this gummy CG including the artists walking through unconvincing CG backgrounds and blue screen effects worse than Daler Mehndi. CG red stars fly all around the screen and there are plenty of shots of marching men, which are either too close, or not close enough and they go by so quickly I can never tell if they are real people or awful CG. Speaking of things flying around, out of nowhere, CG balls! At least they look better than 3D Balls, was that too easy of a joke? Screw it.

The artists walk up these bad CG stairs in the middle of the video and then a hammer and sickle, in the same video as the Statue of Liberty, I don't get it. The point where I just checked out was when the artists were standing on top of the CG balls, I'm tempted to just leave it at that, but then they just walk into the sky and go through a random sky door and what am I watching!? At the very least the song is not bad.

5. "Miracles" - Insane Clown Posse

Speaking of bad effects.

This is video is mostly just the Insane Clown Posse standing around while things happen beside and behind them. The things going on beside them aren't even interesting, those things are just barely moving and then the camera shifts to another scene that is what these two clowns are rapping about, with a couple close-ups of their faces. The video as a whole is a mesmerizing experience of WTF, and there is reason it became an infamous meme. Remember when memes were funny?

4. "Sweet Like Chocolate" - Shanks & Bigfoot

With some of the worst CG animation I have ever seen, there is no doubt that this music video would have made the list. If that was the only problem, it wouldn't be so high, but oh dear this music video also had to be boring.

Nothing really happens in the video, characters move around, things move around and the scene changes, and that's it. There is nothing going on through the entire video, even though this only is the fourth worst music video, I can vouch for each one in saying that there is at least something going on in every music video, but this one? Very little actually goes on, even in "Through the Fire and Flames" although nothing was happening, it at the very least did not desire to give us some creepy CG animation to go with it, and the colour scheme is almost exclusively brown tones, which in the right ways can be beautiful, but here it looks as plastic and ugly as a melted Barbie doll. Let's leave this music video for the forgotten corner of the internet.

3. "Right Now" - Van Halen

I want to know what was going through the mind of whomever made the concept for this video. I can almost picture the meeting right now...

"Hey Tim!"

"Yes Jon?"

"You know that video we have to work on for the new Van Halen song?"

"Yeah"

"Well I have the perfect idea!"

"Is it to give it some creepy CGI knockoff of a children's character?"

"No, let's put obnoxious text all over the video"

"Like at the beginning so the audience will have a chance to read it before the song begins?"

"No, all through the entire video, so the audience can read some text, and listen to music that does not match the text at the same time"

"So what text are we going to put in there?"

"Some stuff like 'Right now a child is starving in Africa' and then right after that we'll have some thing about the band"

"But wouldn't that make the band look a little bit egotistical?"

"Nah, David Lee Roth isn't here and he would find a way to make it larger than life"

"Well I think that is perfect for the music video!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, now let's find some stock footage of the band playing and stuff happening and place the music over that, then we can clock out early."

I apologize for that unfunny skit.

2. "Calypso" - Spiderbait

Ladies and Gentlemen, the worst CG animation I have ever seen, and considering the fact that I saw Dorbees - Making Decisions that is saying too much.

Nothing looks alive in this video, like even though it is highly outdated, the music video for "Money for Nothing" still looks more alive than this. Hell, even "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" looked more alive than this mechanical nightmare. The scene where the three... Characters I guess, fall and fly into the spaceship is horribly off beat and I'm only getting started with the problems in this music video. When they go into space, yes space, the problems really start to pile up. Especially the text bubbles, but first, the asteroids textures look more basic than the textures I have on my 3D object creation software, and the spaceship moves about as naturally as a mechanical horse. The text bubbles are probably the worst of this part as they freeze the entire video just so we can read one half-second of text that doesn't even have facial animation to it. Then they go into a planet monster, and get pooped out of it's planet butt, the funny thing is you think I am kidding! Seriously though, can we stop with the CG uvulas? They all look f*cking disgusting.

But in all seriousness, what really happened in this video? I mean, this has the problem "Sweet Like Chocolate" had, characters just got up, moved around and that's it, and please don't tell me that this was the best CG animation we could get in 1996, because Beast Wars came out the same year. However, there is one video worse than this.

1. "Parisian Goldfish" - Flying Lotus

Give up... Just give up. Seriously, I have nothing for this one, just quit doing what you're doing because this is one of the weirdest things I've seen in my entire life, and I saw the Little Baby's Ice Cream commercial. That's it, game over man, game over!

Between the seizure inducing green screen effects and the NSFW content, it's amazing that this video is even allowed on YouTube, oh wait, they censor it, because that totally helps the awkwardness that comes with this video, there is a time and a place for pornography, and also a form of arousal. Seriously what's fun about watching two adults banging on the rejected backgrounds from Problem Solverz? I've seen some strange stuff while making this list but this lunacy madness take I will NOT!

And that is my Nostalgia Critic reference, and now it's time to raise my quota.

And because I had so many, here are a few dishonourable mentions:

1. "Blurred Lines" - Robin Thicke ft. T.I. and Pharrel
Consider this one my number eleven, some would say that this is a very sexist music video, but quite frankly it was tame compared to the other sexist music videos I've seen, so I gave this one mercy.

2. "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love for You" - Glenn Medeiros
As I said when I reviewed this one, the only interesting thing about it was how the music video looked as though all it needed was the sing-along lyrics at the bottom of the screen.

3. "Hollaback Girl" - Gwen Steffani
Although this music video lacks cohesion and I loathe the opening bit, it was not as bad as these twenty.

4. "Goodies" - Ciara ft. Petey Pablo
You know, if you want to sell the whole "I'm more than sexy" thing, don't have a music video that does nothing but show off your figure.

5. "We Built This City" - Starship
A horribly dated music video with some laughably bad effects, and that's about it.

6. "Tennis Court" - Lorde
This one is odd but nothing to terrible. It at least has good visuals and could have worked for a different song, or at least parts of another music video.

Auditory Abominations: Top 20 Worst Music Videos - Part 1

The music video has largely changed a lot about the music industry, what was originally a medium that is mostly auditory and lyrical now added in a visual medium and from that we got some amazing videos, from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" to OK Go's "That One Moment" to Johnny Cash's "Hurt", there are so many amazing music videos out there, but that is why I'm not doing that first. I mean, there are music videos that are strange and odd, but a plain bad music video, I thought it was a rarity, but apparently not because I had twenty-nine contenders for this list, which by the way is more than when I did my worst Katy Perry songs list. Now, let's set a few rules here, of course with the usual one video per artist. Videos that are strange don't always equal bad, but the oddness factor will be taken into account because there still has to be method to the madness, and I feel as though I should also mention that I don't hate every song on this list, some of the songs I don't have much of an opinion on. With that said, let the fun begin.

20. "Holiday" - Madonna

Usually I am not all for dance music videos, where there aren't a lot of shots and it's just the artists and a few friends or hired extras dancing, but I do see that there is real talent behind it making the shots look good and having the dancing be on point. Good thing that neither of those went into this video. Madonna does have some good music videos, and plenty of good songs, but seriously, what was up with this one?

The first problem is the camera work, it has that afternoon soap opera feel, it's hard to explain but the characters never really feel like they're in front of anything, it's really weird and I've only noticed it in the soap operas my grandma watches. The beginning choreography is essentially just swinging her arms around and hopping, not jumping, hopping. Madonna also looks a little restrained doing this doesn't she? Like she wants to do something a tad more interesting, like kicks and spins but nope, just this. Then there is the elephant in the room, or rather the weirdo in the background, seriously what is he doing there? Whose idea was it to have this odd person in the background just watching Madonna and crew dance?

Beside that the video is just average, not particularly cinematic, but just so odd that I couldn't ignore it.

19."Come and Get It" - Selena Gomez

In some respects, this video shouldn't be too bad, it is cinematic and has some nice visuals, and we get to see plenty of those visuals, too much.

The main problem is that a lot of it tries to be cinematic, just for the sake of being cinematic. I mean what is the point of having the field of blue flowers and the dancing on the boat in the dark by fire-light? What does it really add to the song or video as a whole? Even in the beginning there are shots of hawks and waves and it just gives the sense of importance or grandiose that the song itself really lacks. It uses a lot of traits you would see in a movie, which makes sense when you see a music video as a mini movie, but a movie has some kind of story, even a lot of art-house films have some sort of story, and if this is supposed to be like an art-house film, than it fails by being uninteresting and having these visuals just because they look pretty. Lens flares, slow-motion and sexy clothing all appear in this video and none add anything note worthy to the video except making it look pretty.

What I'm saying is, this video is style over substance at it's finest.

18."Crazy B*tch" - Buckcherry

Okay, I'll admit that this music video has the right idea of placing the band in jail, the problem? Well, first it's kind of got that Memento style of video creation, where we see the end of the video at the beginning and vice versa. It worked in that movie because things got explained as the movie went along, this one moves along quickly, so I don't know what the group was arrested for in the video, at best I can see a parking violation, and I really hope that it isn't the worst.

The other main problem with the video, well it tries to sell itself with a woman dancing around in a sexy outfit. Granted, there are times when something like that works, but not with any song that can qualify as "Butt Rock". It just gives me the feeling of watching a bad stripper and I can't help but think that it kind of objectifies women at least a little bit. However, I will concede that there are worse offenders, such as...

17. "Call on Me" - Eric Prydz

There is a time and a place for pornography, there are also sites for pornography and I don't think people want to pleasure themselves to an ear-pounding song that actually makes Buckcherry sound pleasant.

Really, what else do I have to comment on? The complete sexist nature of the video in how it's a male fantasy through and through? Yeah, wouldn't we all like to be that one guy in a dance workout class surrounded by sexy women while they do pelvic thrusts and other sexual moves to a high energy song that assaults your ears and makes you wish you were listening to "Technologic". Even if the video wasn't intended to be like that, it still comes off as trying not to stare at your buddies girlfriend while she's bending down to get something, awkward and something we'd all like to forget about.

16. "Blue (Da Ba Dee) - Eiffel 65

Okay so the plot of this music video is that the frontman of Eiffel 65 gets kidnapped by these aliens and the other band members go to rescue him. Because that doesn't sound stupid at all.

Getting the obvious out of the way first, the aliens are f*cking gross. It's been said that their heads look phallic, I can see it, but I've seen worse. I am mostly talking about their movements, especially when they bob their heads up and down it looks so mechanical, and this is the guy who wasn't even weirded out by "I Feel Fantastic", which did not make the list. In fact, nothing about the alien's movements seem natural, it never looks like they are standing or moving on something so they look like a terrible, out-dated 3D effect from a movie like Jaws 3-D. The combat in this video looks terrible and the acting of the band's frontman is so bad, it's like he is being told how to act by someone with a thick accent.

Also, if you really want to see how bad the combat in this video is, look no further than the unarmed combat sections, which look more digitally altered than Pickle and Peanut, a show the features Photoshop images as main characters. Sometimes they don't even look like they're trying, and in the end of the video, despite being kidnapped and attacked, the band decides to go back and play for the weird blue aliens. Wow this music video is lame, and it's not even the worst CG I've seen in a music video.

15. "Let's Get Rocked" - Def Leppard

I'm perfectly sure that this would have been a fine music video, if it wasn't for that creepy, butt-ugly computer generated cross between a Weird-oh and Ash Ketchum. Really, who cares about any other issues the video may have? You'll never, ever get the image of that CG thing out of your head, and if you do you'll only replace it with a gag inducing shot of the inside of a CG mouth and dangling uvula, not just a dangling one either, it moves like a cartoonish booger. Just, GAH! Let's move on to something else.

14. "Through the Fire and Flames" - DragonForce

Seriously, standing there? That was the best idea you could've had for a music video? Yes I understand that this was early 2000s, but you know what was before the early 2000s? The music video for Aha's "Take on Me" which still looks great today, so even with the time period there is no excuse for how lame this video is.

Seriously, when you listen to this song what images come to your mind? Probably a large scale war, a fight with a giant dragon, you know something epic, fantastical, almost Lord of the Rings style, but what we got instead was standing there. Yeah the song is awesome, but that just makes the video worse because the video should have been awesome, even if actually having a large war was to expensive, animate it. Hire a good animator and animate something epic, like riding a griffon into the sky, charging into battle on a charcoal black unicorn with fire for a mane and glowing red eyes, slaughter a bunch of orcs, this could make for some really epic animated music video, but instead we got this. Joy bunnies.

13. "Hello Kitty" - Avril Lavigne

I've already talked about the song before and quite frankly the song may have put the video this high, but Christ this music video sucks.

Really, this music video can be summed up as "Avril Lavigne skips through Japan", and not any of the cool places like that deer park, or Mt. Fuji, or any of the Shinto Shrines, just through a very bright, hard to see city. When we do see colour, they are so cheerily colourful that it makes the video look quite vulgar, and why does she have those four women behind her? What real purpose do they serve and why do they do that awkward march?

As you know, this video caused a bit of controversy because of the depiction of Japanese culture being seen as "racist", I have seen worse, but in this day and age some would argue that a racism accusation makes things worse, I don't really agree but then again I have a feeling this wasn't done with any malicious intent, it was just a stupid video and that's it. The problem is, it's a stupid, pastel coloured nightmare.

12. "Tunak Tunak Tun" - Daler Mehndi

Surprisingly, I find that there is a lot to like about this video, I like how the artist characterizes the different elements, and the video has a very upbeat tone to it all. That is unfortunately where my praise ends.

Let's begin with the obvious, the CG is terrible, and I get the blue screen as sets would be very expensive, but at least build models, take some skillful pictures making the small buildings look large and dance in front of those or find some images of the places you want to dance in front of, but instead we got CG that would be embarrassing in ReBoot. It's especially noticeable when it comes to the effects for the elements, especially the Earth and water elements, with the former looking like something out of the Donkey Kong Country cartoon, and the later looking worse than the TLC video for "Waterfalls" which came out in 1994.

Also, even though I like how each elemental character is colour coded, it still would have been nice if there was some change in design, like little details that distinguished them all, like how the one for Earth would have his clothes together instead of everybody else's and the one for wind would look more (for lack of a better term) wind-swept. Then there is the dancing, which was funny at first but now just looks like drunks trying to impress people at a club, albeit a decent nightclub.

Also, why does the character representing wind look more like Earth, I always get those two confused.

11. "Mr. Blobby" - Mr. Blobby

Why couldn't I just forget about this travesty? Forgetting about the awful song that accompanies this, the video begins with some sci-fi thing, It's hard to really see through the smoke and what I assume are synchronized swimmers (I assume a lot about this song and video don't I?), then it moves into some party, but it moves simply to quickly so I can't even see what's going on. Then Mr. Blobby gets a massage, I think, then Mr. Blobby gets placed in terrible green screen backgrounds, and I thought the last entry had terrible green screen. Then the video decides to parody other, and as I often say in my creepypasta reviews, better music videos like "Addicted to Love" and that three-man point that ZZ Top does.

The video is a fuster-cluck of scenes and ideas if you can call them that, I'm not gonna call them that, and it just seems to stop eventually. Now, the horrifying this is not that this video exists, it's that the video is only number eleven... There are ten music videos I thought were worse than this.

And because I can't hold you hostage, I'll stop here, but this has been posted along side Part 2, so go read that: http://auditoryabominations.blogspot.ca/2017/01/auditory-abominations-top-20-worst.html

Auditory Abominations: "The Fear" - Lily Allen

So, apparently 2009 is going to be my pick for worst year in music. In some respects this makes sense, every music nerd always says that the 90s died in 1994 after the death of Kurt Cobain, well the 2000s are similar in that they kind of died out around 2007-2008. If you look at the music scene of the early 2000s, yeah there was a lot of pop and electronic, but there was also quite a bit of rock here and there, even if the bands weren't good, they were successful. I've already talked a lot about early 2000s mainstream rock but that scene just kind of faded out in the late 2000s to be replaced with the more marketable pop princesses of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and the like. Much like how the early 90s was the heyday of the grunge scene, then it shifted into gangster rap and mainstream rock, the early to mid 2000s was the heyday of rap and hip-hop, and mainstream rock before it shifted to pop music. Which brings us to today's specimen!

The song opens with, I don't know if it's a keyboard, a guitar, a bass or what, it's a confusing sound that sounds like all three of them, and yet none of them at the same time. It also doesn't help that the opening lines are "I want to be rich and I want lots of money."

Being fair, I did put the cart before the horse with that one, as the song is a lot like "Royals" in that it's about the problems with the lifestyle celebrities endorse. However, I think I should point out, what made "Royals" a good song was that it was using it's lyrics to mock the lyrics of hip-hop songs that were popular at the time (I say that like it was released a long time ago). This song's lyrics are "here is something in a celebrity based life-style, isn't it awful?" and aside from the chorus, that is really it, it's like "We Didn't Start the Fire" if there was no historical aspect to it.

The chorus itself sounds vaguely auto-tuned, which is odd because Lily Allen is not a terrible singer, being up there with Lorde in not having a beautiful voice, but still sounding good. I can't help but think of Cher's "Believe" when I here the chorus, which was one of the first commercial recordings to feature auto-tune. To give you some perspective, it's like watching a CG animated movie from the mid to late 2000s and saying the animation reminds you of Toy Story, the first movie with movie quality CG animation, except in that case Toy Story actually did look amazing for it's time.

Speaking of crappy club songs, this song uses a lot of electronic effects for I don't know. I mean, I don't think this was supposed to be a club song, and with that strange keyboard/guitar/bass sound that goes with it, it sounds kind of out of place.

The song has a good theme and some decent lyrics here and there, and being fair this isn't the worst song I've ever heard, but when I have a song that came out after this to compare it with, I'm naturally gonna, and I think that "Royals" is the much better song, because unless I was really paying attention, I could easily mistake this song for endorsing the celebrity life-style. However, I think what also makes this song inferior to "Royals" is that this song is boring. Not even comparing it to "Royals" again, I've heard this theme done before in "Californication", the music is something I have also heard a lot of before and even if Lily Allen has a decent voice, she sounds half asleep in this track.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and next time, something special.

Ace Audio: "Goodbye Earl" - Dixie Chicks

It's sometimes amazing the things we hold on to as we grow older. For me, I'll never forget sitting in my Mom's car just listening to whatever song she had playing, and although I don't remember every song that I heard, I remember quite a few and they still stick with me today. "Goodbye Earl" is one of those songs, I remember it quite a bit, and although it's not one of those songs I actively go out to listen to, I still find it an enjoyable song, but let's be fair here, my taste in music has changed quite a bit from that time I was sitting in my Mom's car, so let's take a look and see if I have to say goodbye to this song.

First, the opening instrumentals, and I have no idea what that kinda keyboard sounding... sound is, but I love it, it actually reminds me a lot of the music for Spyro. The rest of the instrumentals have a kind of rock, kind of pop, kind of country sound which is nice. I like hearing a song that can easily fit into multiple separate genres.

This song tells a story about Mary Anne and Wanda, two best friends who go on different paths, one searches through the town and finds a man, who becomes quite abusive after marriage. So of course, she and her best friend work out the obvious plan of killing the bastard. I'd make the "Boy, that escalated quickly" joke, but no, and when you hear the lyrics, you can see why I find that this is, not acceptable nor moral, but... Well, if you find the solution wrong you should at least see the truth in the fact that there may not have been another solution.

The lyrics do an amazing job of describing the abuse Wanda went through, telling about how she had to hide her bruises and how Earl, the man she found, went right through a restraining order and put her in the hospital. The song also goes in the right direction in not having the two leads get caught in the end, it really does make it look more like the right decision. I also like how she actually went for a divorce and restraining order before hand, which does make the options quite limited. Granted, the scenario is a bit black and white, but this is more for black comedic purposes.

The instrumentals really do remind me of the soundtrack to the first three Spyro games, or at least the second one, and the Spyro games have some of my favourite video game soundtracks ever, probably only rivaled by the classic Mega Man Games. I also like Natalie Maines vocal performance, it really does sound southern, which I will be honest, one of my favourite accents, not really top ten, but top twenty at least. Of course Emily and Martie also shine with some vocal harmonies on this song.

The bridge is a nice transition to the chorus, and I do like the emphasis on the certain words. The chorus itself is quite upbeat despite the first chorus is literally the two drugging or poisoning Earl and wrapping him up in a tarp, wow, I should not have been listening to this as a kid. Seriously though, I can't help but enjoy the upbeat sound of the chorus, it really does show the juxtaposition between the lyrics and subject, and the music and performance. Yes, I am using that word properly.

For a late 90's country song, not only do I find that I love this song, but I find that it holds up quite nicely. I love the vocal performance, instrumentals and the lyrics. Really, I love this song, and I really do wonder what the rest of the album sounds like... After Metallica folks, after them.

Also, I should probably mention that I, and the Dixie Chicks for that matter, don't advocate murder, not even the pre-meditated kind. However, the same can not be said for getting even.

I'm the Entity of Darkness and I think I'm ready for another abomination.
Wait... Did I post any links in this blog? I did not, Well, that is a first!

Auditory Abominations: "Hello Kitty" - Avril Lavigne

You know, sometimes a song is just so bad that even if you never thought you'd talk about it, it immediately jumps to your mind when the subject of terrible music comes up. I thought this was just going to be another dumb pop song that is simply just a generic thing that would be forgotten in time, but no this had to be one of the most obnoxious and annoying pieces of filth I have ever heard in my entire life.

I remember when Avril Lavigne was still a Pop-Punk princess with "Sk8er Boi" which was not a great song, but truth be told it's still on of my guilty pleasure songs, but then the alluring charm of the succubus of success is intoxicating to all mortals, also the pop-punk scene dying out doesn't help either.

You know how this song begins? with "Mina sako arigato, k-k-k-kawaii." I doubt she knows what any of that means. I think she put on a song called "Mr. Roboto" and found that the Japanese word they used was pretty neat so she took that word a put in this sentence. "Arigato"  or "Domo Arigato" is the Japanese way of saying "Thank you" and "Kawaii" is Japanese for "Cute". Aside from that I don't know myself, and Google Translate isn't helping this time. Then it goes into the teen pop style of "I'm an adult but I still make songs about being a teenager" like well, a lot of songs actually. Avril Lavigne was 29 when the album this song was on came out and she's talking about pillow fights and playing Truth or Dare, To give you some perspective Lorde is 20, and Adele is 28, neither of them have had either of those in their lyrics.

But lyrics are one thing, how is the musical aspect of this song? Terrible, the song is dubstep trying to pass itself off as a pop rock song. When I think of pop rock, I think "Beat It", "Jump", anything from Walk the Moon, you know music that fits in with either genre, this is not a rock song, it is a Pop-tronic song. Avril's voice is just, GAH! It's like if, actually no I can not do a comparison for this one, her voice is just annoying and awful, and a huge step down from her pop punk years.

The song is apparently about her love of the Hello Kitty brand and some sexual content... I thought I was finished this with "Afternoon Delight" explicit lyrics are not necessary but they oddly help. The rest of the song is highly childish, and it's really only the chorus that could remotely have any sexual content, "A.D.I.D.A.S." is a sexier song and that song's title means "All Day I Dream About Sex". Even if this isn't  a song with any sexual lyrics, it still has very little to grasp lyrically.

That really is this song's main issue, it's confused, obnoxious, and immature. In interviews she said that the song was supposed to be fun and had the glitchy feel to it, (paraphrasing a lot). But again, that is the problem, just because something is fun doesn't make it good, I find it fun to burn things, but I don't go around setting other people's possessions on fire because I am not crazy. Avril Lavigne needed to either make this song lyrically better, musically better or just scrapped it entirely.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and I need an Ace Audio...

Auditory Abominations: "Lips of an Angel" - Hinder

I don't think that it's any shock that the mainstream rock scene of the 2000s has not aged well, mostly being composed of Nu Metal, Pop Punk and Alternative Rock. Yes we got a lot of good bands here and there from The White Stripes to Modest Mouse, but we also got groups like Buckcherry and Simple Plan from all of that, and one of the worst things to ever happen to the rock scene at the time was "Lips of an Angel", and you'll soon see why.

"Lips of an Angel" was the breakthrough single for Hinder, charting on twelve different charts, half of them outside the U.S. and am I the only one who finds that fact somewhat depressing? This song charted on the Pop, Mainstream Rock, Adult Top 40 and Hot 100 charts, that is gross. This song peaked as high as number 3 on the Hot 100, where The Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Dani California" Peaked at number 6, and The Killers' "When You Were Young" peaked at number 14. Was there any appeal to this song? Sort answer, yes but I don't understand it, the long answer? Well, let's take this from the beginning.

Being honest the opening instrumentals, although not really having the chance to build on themselves or introduce the song in any real way, are not terrible, they are nice and slow to showcase the mood of the song, but they are nothing too special, the same cannot be said for the opening vocal performance. Austin Josh may be my pick for the worst vocalist in music, and considering that I previously looked at Nickelback and Simple Plan, that says quite a lot. Imagine if Eddie Vedder had the voice but not the power, so he still sounded gruff but only because he drank about fifty sandpaper and club soda smoothies. That is about as well as I can describe Austin Josh.

Unfortunately, neither the vocals nor the instrumentals really improve throughout the song, sure there is a little boost of power and energy behind the bridge and chorus, but that doesn't make it better, to give you some perspective, I'd much rather listen to Nickelback than this, that's how bad it began, that I would rather play Nickelback. At least the guitar solo isn't too bad, I mean it's no Billy Gibbons or Alex Lifeson but it is tolerable, minus it's rather abrupt ending. Really, you cut the only decent part of your song to go back to more awful vocal work and lyrical content?

And let's talk about the lyrics, actually first let's talk about the subject. The song is about getting a call from a former girlfriend and wanting to get back together with her while in another relationship with another woman, okay, being honest this is not a terrible subject to write a song about, this kind of thing does happen and there are plenty of conflicting emotions that go along with it, but Austin makes it clear that he'd rather be with his former girlfriend instead. There is no lyrics about moving on, how we must look forward instead of backward and how there may have been a perfect reason to break up and move on. So yeah, this song essentially the "I'd rather go back to my ex" song that nobody demanded except for people who go through a new boyfriend/girlfriend weekly.

While I'm on the subject, the actual verses are short, being four lines at minimum and five lines at maximum, leaving so much room for bridge and chorus. You know how in my last review I talked about how the time length made the lyrical content of the song worse? Well, that song was three minutes, this song is four minutes. Seriously? Four minutes and you couldn't even add in another verse, you just wrote this big bridge and chorus and decided to have that be the biggest part of the song? I'm going to say it...
"Wonderwall" is a song with better writing than this, oh yeah it isn't a well written song, but you know what, it is a masterpiece compared to "Lips of an Angel", which should really be called "Lips of a Succubus" but that would make the song too interesting, and we can't have that.

While not the worst Mainstream Rock song I've ever heard, it's still a bad song, with a frontman sounds like he is working through constipation, meh instrumentals, a decent guitar solo that is cut off and lyrics that don't delve into anything interesting, it's just the classic "I never truly stopped thinking about you while I was with her".

Well, thank goodness that it wasn't an insult to my intelligence like the next abomination is going to be. I'm the Entity of Darkness and I'll see you then.

Auditory Abominations: "Mr. Blobby" - Mr. Blobby

What do we have here? Well, what we have is what is considered to be one of the worst songs ever recorded, and considering the crap I looked at, that is saying quite a bit.

But what is this song? Who made it? And where did it come from? Well, I can answer all of those questions. This song is a novelty hit from Britain, the country that on one end gave us The Beatles and Queen, the other end gave us The Incredible String Band and The Proclaimers, and another part of it gave us Bullet for my Valentine. More specifically, this came from England, the actual country you think when you think of Britain, even though... Right this is a music blog not a geography blog, my apologies. Anyway, the song is by the fictional character Mr. Blobby, from Noel's House Party, a family show from the 1990s I think. The character was hated by pretty much everybody, from the audience to the critics to the creators of the show in general, so you know, what could possibly go wrong right? Give a character that nobody likes a musical career, give George Lucas credit, Jar Jar Binks wasn't given a Hip-hop career.

The problems with this song begin with the farting instrumentals and obnoxious synth sounds. Oh boy, the problems with those, well first they never end, second they are obnoxious on their own, nobody likes the sound of a fart, and synth pop was left behind with the keytar and He-man in the 1980s, and this song was released in 1993, you know what else came out of '93? A little known song called "C.R.E.A.M.", that song was also released before this one, in January, where this was released in November, NOVEMBER! by that time you would have realized that this was a horrible idea. Third, they never end. Fourth, when they add in a drum beat it sounds about as real as the drumming to a Katy Perry song, U.S.S. has more convincing percussion sounds, and they don't even have a drummer. Finally, they never f*cking end, seriously, I didn't even get a minute into the song and I wanted to strangle my cat.

Believe it or not, Mr. Blobby himself does very little singing on this song, although probably because the only word he can actually say is "blobby", and there is this weird effect placed on his voice that just sounds creepy, I would not be surprised if there was a horror character based on Mr. Blobby. The actual singers on this track are mostly a choir of what I assume are children, and some female singer, they do alright, but it's a shame that they put actual effort into what is essentially a novelty song that nobody would ever find funny.

Much like "Starships" this song also lacks quite a lot of focus, starting with a chanting choir, than going onto something that sounds like the theme song to Cybersix had a child with the English theme to Mew Mew Power, and then goes into whatever begins at the minute and twenty-four second mark, it's like a cross between a military marching theme and a Sesame Street song. Then it goes back to the choir of children, and occasionally Mr. Blobby will say his only known word from time to time, actually, make that a lot, he says that one word quite often in this three minute and thirty-two second song, which may sound like a lot of time, but here is some perspective, "Whatzupwitu" another awful song is eleven seconds shorter, "Call Me Maybe" one of my most hated songs is nineteen seconds shorter, and "Starships" is almost the same length, being just two seconds shorter. Three minutes is pretty standard when it comes to singles.

This has often been called one of the worst songs of all time, and I can definitely see why. The instrumentals start off by farting their lack of a melody into your ear and end with a faux triumphant trumpet sound that makes me want to burn off my ears. The character to whom this is credited to does very little actual singing, the lyrics are just lip service to said character and when the character does open his mouth, his voice is f*cking creepy. This is one of the worst songs I've ever heard, and let's hope it's the lowest I sink this year.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and the stupidest thing about this song is not the concept, the lyrics, the instrumentals or even the character, but the fact that this was certified Platinum, whereas Queen's "The Show Must Go On" didn't even certify in the U.K. and only certified Gold in France and Italy.

Seriously, What the actual f*ck?

Auditory Abominations: "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You" - Glenn Mederios

And thus, we take another trip to the 1980s, the only decade that is simultaneously one of the best and one of the worst decades for music, so far the only one because the 2010s is still not over.

What makes the 80s such a strange decade is all the one hit wonders that came and went from that time, sure there are the likes of Iron Butterfly and Barry McGuire in the 60s, and there is also groups like Jars of Clay and in some respects Aurelio Voltaire in the more modern era. The 80s on the other hand, oh boy there was, just off the top of my head, Aha, A Flock of Seagulls, Midnight Oil, Devo, Dexy's Midnight Runners, Pseudo Echo, Will to Power, The Vapors, Soft Cell, Twisted Sister, Wall of Voodoo, Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy, The Psychedelic Furs, Living in a Box, even technically Rainbow, and almost none of their songs sound like anything else, and trust me, a lot of them were not great, but I think this may be the worst of the bunch.

Technically, this guy isn't a one hit wonder, he had one other hit, but you know I don't think a lot of people really care or know about that song so my point still stands. This guy is Glenn Mederios, a Hawaiian singer who got to record this song for winning a contest and just out of luck, someone happened to play it while in the mainland states and word of mouth spread quickly making this song a hit, the funny thing is you think I'm kidding. However, being honest that probably is the only way this song could've ever become popular.

The song is essentially the filler you would find on Karaoke Machines with very little actual songs on them. It especially starts that way with the slow synth and a saxophone. The instrumentals don't make me think of anything other than pre-set beat and karaoke night embarrassment.

Glenn himself sounds like Lionel Richie with a touch of nasal, and I'm not a big fan of Lionel Richie, so take what I say here with a grain of salt but, he is a better vocalist than Glenn Mederios.

You may notice that I have actually little to really say about either aspect of the song, and that is mostly because that is all they are, bland and dull, like what do you really expect me to say? It is not a bland like "Afternoon Delight" where there is a lot to talk about because of the time period it came out in and the lyrical content, it's more a bland like "We Built This City" except that song also was a little bit obnoxious, this is just boring.

Even the lyrics aren't interesting, about the same as "You complete me, completely vague woman that I love.", you know the type of song Bo Burnham made fun of with "Repeat Stuff", which incidentally is not only a better song, also a funny song, which I'm only writing as a way to remind myself of the next abomination I have to do.

Really, the only interesting thing about this song is the awfully boring music video that looks as though it is missing the karaoke lyrics near the bottom of the screen. Other than that though, the song is painfully boring, even when Glenn puts "power" in his vocals it does nothing except make me appreciate Lionel Richie.

So, yeah, a boring song. Which considering my next review, quite honestly may actually be necessary. I'm the Entity of Darkness and, leave it to the Brits to give a musical career to a character that nobody liked, that is what's next.

Ace Audio: "Time" - Pink Floyd

Very rarely do songs really "Speak" to me, I mean there are songs that have messages and themes I can get behind such as "BYOB" and "Eyes Wide Open", but neither of those songs are really songs that really hit me with how poignant they are, but Pink Floyd's Time does.

Time is not my favourite Pink Floyd song, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't in my top 5, in fact it may be my third favourite followed by "Comfortably Numb". To me, "Time" is one of those Masterpiece Songs that is pretty much perfect and can be enjoyed to anyone of any generation. I've already done one of these songs before with "The Sound of Silence", and normally I wouldn't do a song like that on this blog, but I don't think this song get's the recognition it deserves as a masterpiece.

To be fair, my only nitpick is at the beginning of the song with the bells and alarms, but when they fade out it opens with nice instrumentals. That heavy bass especially gets me hooked, and the keyboard that accompanies it is pretty nice as well, whatever the ticking thing is in the background is slightly annoying, but the song only gets better from here.

"The Dark Side of the Moon" dealt with concepts about greed, mental illness, war and the passage of time, which is obviously what this song is about. Very rarely have I ever found a song with lyrics that hit me hard, and these lyrics do. One of my favourite lyrics of the song is "And then one day you find ten years have gone behind you" which very often I find, describe how time moves fast for my life, like as I am writing this it is the beginning of 2017, and on New Years I was literally thinking about how the year just flew by, Father Time is a strange being. My other favourite line of the song is "The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older / Shorter of breath and one day closer to death." Which again can be very true, not often do we notice how time effects other things, only us.

As much as I love the lyrics, the vocal performance is just as good. David Gilmour has a great voice for this track, although it doesn't sound as raspy as someone like Barry McGuire, they still sound as though the singer has been through a lot and has stood through time, and Richard Wright does some great vocal work on the bridges as well, being a lot smoother.

The instrumentals on this song are also great, with a rock sound in the beginning and main verses that compliment the vocal work very well, and then changing into a slower sound with a choir of "Oooh"s. The instrumental work compliments the vocal performances beautifully and the solos as well are great, seriously Gilmour is a very talented guitarist, but very few people talk about what a talent he is behind the instrument.

The final bit of the song is a completely different tone, more like the track "Breathe (in the Air)" prior to the album, but the instrumentals transition into it nicely and it does have some rather nice lyrics. The overall tone of the song does seem to be "effected by time" with the more rock sounding "morning" parts of the song being the main verses, and the "nighttime" portions of the song being the bridges, and then ending with the final rest, relaxed, tired and being warmed by a nice warm fire. Well, that is how I hear the song anyway, what you hear in it may be something completely different.

I know that when it comes to a band like Pink Floyd everybody is going to have a song they like over another, which is fair, my favourite Pink Floyd song is "The Great Gig in the Sky", but I personally think that "Time" should be recognized as on of those masterpiece songs alongside "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "More Than a Feeling".

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and time may be a strange thing, but even it can't make my Abominations part of this blog easier.

Auditory Abominations: "The Climb" - Miley Cyrus

One thing that I stated that I will never review on this blog is a modern song by Miley Cyrus, yes, a lot of it is bad, but you know what? Miley Cyrus sucked before "We Can't Stop", and being honest, a lot of her newer stuff is at least an interesting kind of bad, hell, I don't even hate "Wrecking Ball". I would actually make the argument that modern Miley Cyrus is actually better than the Country Pop Miley Cyrus, and my first piece of evidence to support that claim is one of her most popular songs from the time, "The Climb".

"The Climb" was Miley's song from the Hannah Montana movie where she ends the persona of Hannah Montana and sings the song about how life is not about the destination, it's the journey. To quote another music critic who is better at this than I and has also talked about this song, it's like staring at this picture for a few minutes:

Actually, I think staring at this one picture would be far more interesting than this song. However, the message must have reached people, or whatever we qualify pre-teen girls as, I usually call them a nuisance, but it must have spoken to them because it peaked at number four on the Hot 100, Number Four, to give you some perspective "Use Somebody" by the Kings of Leon also peaked at number four and Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" topped the Hot 100. That is a pretty big achievement for any song, but now since the decade of "deep and heart-filled" pop songs has slowly been over shadowed by songs about have a large posterior and break up songs, is there any reason to come back to this song? Short answer is no, there is not. The long answer? well...

The opening piano is literally just pressing one key over and over again, give credit to where credit is due, at least "Call Me Maybe" has more than one key pressed in it's keyboard. Then we get a terrible opening lyric, "I can almost see it/That dream I'm dreaming", which is only the first part of the opening line, but seriously, those may just be the worst opening lyrics I've ever heard, yes, worse than "Starships". You know what those lyrics remind me off?

Yeah, that forty second parody of the lame, generic songs from The Thief and the Cobbler (Note: check out the songs from Thief and the Cobbler someday). I mean, the combination of those lyrics and the beyond basic piano, yeah this reminds me of this little joke.

Miley's beginning vocal work is dull, I can tell she isn't as invested in this song as she was in something like "Wrecking Ball". Her vocal patterns and the overall tone of the song sound a lot like "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing", and huh...
Between this and my last review there is quite a bit of ripping-off happening here, if the next Abomination I look at makes me think it's a rip-off, I will kill something.

The song tries to be inspirational, especially with the building instrumentals, which alright being fair sound alright, they don't sound amazing, but I have heard worse and you know what that in some cases is the best compliment I can give. The instrumental solo sounds pretty good though, not great, but passable.

I guess since I am on positives, the chorus is not too bad, it does drive the message home pretty well, and yeah there is always going to be an obstacle, but again, just because the message is good does not mean the song is, although the song ends pretty well, that does not excuse the atrocious beginning and middle.

So yeah, modern Miley Cyrus is better because it is at least a lot more interesting. Even still, this song is crap, the instrumentals and chorus are fine, but the song as a whole is a mess with poor vocal work, a lousy intro, and dull and often generic lyrics. The good news is, this song is quite forgettable.

I'm the Entity of Darkness and, I think my next abomination will be a classic.

Auditory Abominations: "Hero" - Skillet

And now, back to the foray of bad heavy metal, last time I looked at bad heavy metal tracks I looked at two songs by big named bands, and one song by a band I did not like. I don't think that it's any coincidence that both Skillet and P.O.D. are Christian Metal bands. Honestly, Christian music should not be so bad, I mean the messages are usually fine, but the performances are usually so tasteless, it's like watching Kevin Costner in Waterworld, not a whole lot of anything really.

Actually, that may also be my biggest problem with Skillet, that there is really just no flavour to them, I mean when you think about heavy metal bands, there is always something that makes them stand out, System of a Down has Serj Tankian, GWAR has their personas, Alice Cooper has his stage act, Metallica has their songs, and Rammstein is Rammstein. Skillet has none of that, no incredible frontman, no enjoyable personas, no on-stage antics, no really amazing songs, nothing, but hey, I picked this song at random, maybe this one is okay.

The song opens with one of the weakest riffs I have ever heard. Compare this opening riff to something like "Du Hast", "For Whom the Bell Tolls", "Ace of Spades" or "Back in Black", you know how all those riffs just get you immediately hooked? This one doesn't, and even has some weird stopping effect to it, kind of like Metalstep, the fusion genre of Heavy Metal and Dubstep. The riff also reminds me of a weaker version of "The Diary of Jane", which sounded like a slower and sludgier version of the opening riff to "Sweet Child O' Mine", jeez do we have enough of the ripping-off here?

Out of nowhere, the instrumentals just kind of die and shift into the rest of the song, where I really have no comment to make on the instrumentals, they just sound, meh. The big problem with this song is the vocalist, if you took Chester Bennington, David Draimen, and Ian Gillan, threw them all into a blender and sifted out any vocal power, than you'd get something like John L. Cooper. The track also has backing vocals by his wife Korey, and she sounds like Ke$ha, I have no other thing to compare her to, she sounds like Ke$ha, that's it.

Like I said, a lot of messages in these kinds of songs are not terrible, although this one is kind of obvious, talking about how mankind needs a hero. Insert Castlevania: Symphony of the Night reference here. The message is not terrible, although since this is Christian metal you can assume whom the hero they are reffering to is.

Thankfully, the lyrics aren't total trash, I mean they are quite preachy, and I think they aren't using some metaphors properly, I mean in this context what does "Just another war" mean? Like, another war on religion? A war on Christians? Another war in general? And then it ends with the usual "I'll stand up and fight" lyrics that were so much better in a song like "Stand Up and Shout" because that song actually makes me want to stand up and shout, where tis makes me want to shut it off. But the lyrics are about average, I'm not expecting Freddie Mercury levels of writing here anyway.

Really, the song itself is bland, but the song also has uninspired instrumentals, rather blah vocalists, and meh lyrics. I wonder if this truly is the best we can get from Christian Music, even if not, this genre may be a recurring one on this blog.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and believe what you want to believe in, that's what I say.

Auditory Abominations: "Twitch" - Bif Naked

And yet another song in the "Bad song from a good artists" category.

Bif Naked is a Canadian rock musician with some songs more rock like, such as "I Love Myself Today", and others a bit more pop punk, like "Tango shoes", and this one is definitely more pop punk, but that was not the deciding factor of this being my next blog review, which is especially great because I don't have to talk about pop punk in the 2000s yet. In fact this song has been on my list since I started doing these blogs, and since the last song I looked at had several major issues, this time I'm going to look at a song that really only has one major issue, but oh man is it a big one.

The opening guitar riff is very... Teenage pop punk style, it just sounds very I don't know, odd I guess, but hey if My Chemical Romance has taught us anything it's that opening riffs are not the be all and end all of a song, so hey maybe there could be some good in this song after all, right?

Bif also sounds very teenage on this track, which makes her sound very...
Gwen Stefani, who was actually around the same age as her when this song came out. Yeah, the song really sounds like teenage rock which would be fine, except that it sounds so, odd. I can describe it, it just has a weird overall sound to it. It's like Bif Naked here wanted to be an Avril Lavigne or other pop punk princess, when her best songs are usually the more rock sounding ones like "Moment of Weakness".

If that was the only problem with this song I probably would not review it, but the lyrics also are nothing to celebrate. The vocal performance is very clear so there is no issue hearing the lyrics, but the lyrics are mostly just Bif sing-talking, or talk-singing I guess, about her boyfriend, or something, right after she says things about this boy she immediately says that "He has a girlfriend/she is my toy!" but then the chorus states that she is the only one making him smile.

Since I'm still single, I don't really know the "it's complicated" feeling of love, but I don't think that's what she was going for. In all honesty, I don't know what she was going for, it's just her talk-singing about her boyfriend and that's it.

Oh and if you're wondering why the song is called twitch, it's because the chorus states "Sometimes he'll twitch for no reason/it's just a twitch and it's part of his style." I don't get it, I really don't get it.

I disliked this song when I first heard it, but when I was younger it just made me feel awkward, but now that I am actually analyzing this song, I find that I don't like the teenage rock sound, the lyrics that make little sense, the uninspired sounding pop punk instrumentals which sound like something a teenager would play as their second riff after "Smoke on the Water". I guess the teenage rock sound is part of the style of the song, but I honestly don't find it to appealing. If I want teen rock I'll listen to "Sk8er Boi", wow anybody else remember that song?

Oh well, I'm the Entity of Darkness and, I guess listen to a better song of hers, I really have nothing to end this on.