Auditory Abominations: Top 20 Worst Music Videos - Part 2

Part One: http://auditoryabominations.blogspot.ca/2017/01/auditory-abominations-top-20-worst_25.html

10. "Whatzupwitu" - Eddie Murphy ft. Michael Jackson

This video commits sin by being a bad video that starts with a Discworld reference. Aside from that the rest of the beginning of this video are unconvincing green screen and a monochromatic Eddie Murphy surrounded by bad CG and lame computer effects. Whenever something moves past Eddie in this video, I can't help but see the line it's following, if it was a flash cartoon, I'd be seeing the motion tweens. Speaking of bad effects, Michael Jackson randomly sparkles into the video, and trust me when I say that is the one thing that makes the most sense in this entire video, I mean, music bars appear and they don't even stand on them, that is how little this music video makes sense. Also, I'm going to kick myself if I don't make this joke:

Yeah, almost all the transitions in this video are dissolves.

Steering back to the topic at hand, Michael brings nothing to this music video, all he really does is bob up and down, move his head back and forth and move his arms, there is no energy and no real passion. Then random stuff happens where it starts to rain Michael Jacksons, a heart frame appears over the both of them, and children in uniforms appear right out of nowhere circling both performers. Do I have to go on? About here is where I quit the video, I couldn't comprehend what I was watching, and also because the song itself was unbearable.

9. "Because I Love You (The Postman Song) - Stevie B

To be fair, I have never seen a music video so perfectly matched with any song before this one, the problem is that it also matched quality wise.

I don't care how cinematic and artsy you make a person doing nothing look, that doesn't hide the fact that the person is still doing nothing. Stevie here mostly stands by a wall or sits at a piano while the camera fades to other shots of him standing by a wall or sitting at his piano, and although my previous statement implied any effort of cinematics or artsy... ness, I guess, there really is none. I can count on one hand everything that happens in this video, and that amount of fingers I raise to this video, you can take that either way you want.

8. "Secular Haze" - Ghost BC

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that this is the choice where most people would flip out over, yeah the song is good, but that doesn't make the video good.

If you want to gage how bad this video is, think of the worst SNL sketch you've ever seen and there you go. That's what "Secular Haze" reminds me of, a bad SNL sketch or even worse an abysmal SNL performance. The camera shifts around a lot and comes in and out of focus it feels like a drunkard was behind the camera, sometimes the camera just films random plumes of smoke moving because, I can't even make the argument that it's artsy, it's just random, and I don't even think it's for the sake of being random. The music video then ends with so many bright colours that it looks like Rainbow Bright was caught in the middle of a care bear orgy. You would think that a music video of the 2010s would have a little bit more effort than this. If you wanted to see cut Muppet Show content, this is the music video for you.

But at the very least, the song is pretty good, unlike my next entry...

7. "The Climb" - Miley Cyrus

I quite honestly have yet to see a video that is simultaneously pretty to look at but lacking any real substance. The video is kind of pretty with it's blue and purple lights and scenery, but it has the same issue as "Come and Get It", in that it is really style over substance, only this time it's more obvious.

The majority of the video is Miley just walking on a road, and stopping to pick up a rose, and watching some CG horses run past and then we see clips from the movie, which I never saw and don't have any desire to. We also get to see her stop and play for a few shots, but quite honestly, I have had a more interesting experience looking at a Chia Pet, just without all the admittedly pretty scenery.

6. "Go West" - Pet Shop Boys

You know, these visuals would look amazing, on a Sony PlayStation. The CG in this music video is texture less and reminds of a Video Brinquedo animated movie (Look them up, then you'll understand). If that was the only issue than the video wouldn't be so high, but the video surrounds itself in this gummy CG including the artists walking through unconvincing CG backgrounds and blue screen effects worse than Daler Mehndi. CG red stars fly all around the screen and there are plenty of shots of marching men, which are either too close, or not close enough and they go by so quickly I can never tell if they are real people or awful CG. Speaking of things flying around, out of nowhere, CG balls! At least they look better than 3D Balls, was that too easy of a joke? Screw it.

The artists walk up these bad CG stairs in the middle of the video and then a hammer and sickle, in the same video as the Statue of Liberty, I don't get it. The point where I just checked out was when the artists were standing on top of the CG balls, I'm tempted to just leave it at that, but then they just walk into the sky and go through a random sky door and what am I watching!? At the very least the song is not bad.

5. "Miracles" - Insane Clown Posse

Speaking of bad effects.

This is video is mostly just the Insane Clown Posse standing around while things happen beside and behind them. The things going on beside them aren't even interesting, those things are just barely moving and then the camera shifts to another scene that is what these two clowns are rapping about, with a couple close-ups of their faces. The video as a whole is a mesmerizing experience of WTF, and there is reason it became an infamous meme. Remember when memes were funny?

4. "Sweet Like Chocolate" - Shanks & Bigfoot

With some of the worst CG animation I have ever seen, there is no doubt that this music video would have made the list. If that was the only problem, it wouldn't be so high, but oh dear this music video also had to be boring.

Nothing really happens in the video, characters move around, things move around and the scene changes, and that's it. There is nothing going on through the entire video, even though this only is the fourth worst music video, I can vouch for each one in saying that there is at least something going on in every music video, but this one? Very little actually goes on, even in "Through the Fire and Flames" although nothing was happening, it at the very least did not desire to give us some creepy CG animation to go with it, and the colour scheme is almost exclusively brown tones, which in the right ways can be beautiful, but here it looks as plastic and ugly as a melted Barbie doll. Let's leave this music video for the forgotten corner of the internet.

3. "Right Now" - Van Halen

I want to know what was going through the mind of whomever made the concept for this video. I can almost picture the meeting right now...

"Hey Tim!"

"Yes Jon?"

"You know that video we have to work on for the new Van Halen song?"

"Yeah"

"Well I have the perfect idea!"

"Is it to give it some creepy CGI knockoff of a children's character?"

"No, let's put obnoxious text all over the video"

"Like at the beginning so the audience will have a chance to read it before the song begins?"

"No, all through the entire video, so the audience can read some text, and listen to music that does not match the text at the same time"

"So what text are we going to put in there?"

"Some stuff like 'Right now a child is starving in Africa' and then right after that we'll have some thing about the band"

"But wouldn't that make the band look a little bit egotistical?"

"Nah, David Lee Roth isn't here and he would find a way to make it larger than life"

"Well I think that is perfect for the music video!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, now let's find some stock footage of the band playing and stuff happening and place the music over that, then we can clock out early."

I apologize for that unfunny skit.

2. "Calypso" - Spiderbait

Ladies and Gentlemen, the worst CG animation I have ever seen, and considering the fact that I saw Dorbees - Making Decisions that is saying too much.

Nothing looks alive in this video, like even though it is highly outdated, the music video for "Money for Nothing" still looks more alive than this. Hell, even "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" looked more alive than this mechanical nightmare. The scene where the three... Characters I guess, fall and fly into the spaceship is horribly off beat and I'm only getting started with the problems in this music video. When they go into space, yes space, the problems really start to pile up. Especially the text bubbles, but first, the asteroids textures look more basic than the textures I have on my 3D object creation software, and the spaceship moves about as naturally as a mechanical horse. The text bubbles are probably the worst of this part as they freeze the entire video just so we can read one half-second of text that doesn't even have facial animation to it. Then they go into a planet monster, and get pooped out of it's planet butt, the funny thing is you think I am kidding! Seriously though, can we stop with the CG uvulas? They all look f*cking disgusting.

But in all seriousness, what really happened in this video? I mean, this has the problem "Sweet Like Chocolate" had, characters just got up, moved around and that's it, and please don't tell me that this was the best CG animation we could get in 1996, because Beast Wars came out the same year. However, there is one video worse than this.

1. "Parisian Goldfish" - Flying Lotus

Give up... Just give up. Seriously, I have nothing for this one, just quit doing what you're doing because this is one of the weirdest things I've seen in my entire life, and I saw the Little Baby's Ice Cream commercial. That's it, game over man, game over!

Between the seizure inducing green screen effects and the NSFW content, it's amazing that this video is even allowed on YouTube, oh wait, they censor it, because that totally helps the awkwardness that comes with this video, there is a time and a place for pornography, and also a form of arousal. Seriously what's fun about watching two adults banging on the rejected backgrounds from Problem Solverz? I've seen some strange stuff while making this list but this lunacy madness take I will NOT!

And that is my Nostalgia Critic reference, and now it's time to raise my quota.

And because I had so many, here are a few dishonourable mentions:

1. "Blurred Lines" - Robin Thicke ft. T.I. and Pharrel
Consider this one my number eleven, some would say that this is a very sexist music video, but quite frankly it was tame compared to the other sexist music videos I've seen, so I gave this one mercy.

2. "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love for You" - Glenn Medeiros
As I said when I reviewed this one, the only interesting thing about it was how the music video looked as though all it needed was the sing-along lyrics at the bottom of the screen.

3. "Hollaback Girl" - Gwen Steffani
Although this music video lacks cohesion and I loathe the opening bit, it was not as bad as these twenty.

4. "Goodies" - Ciara ft. Petey Pablo
You know, if you want to sell the whole "I'm more than sexy" thing, don't have a music video that does nothing but show off your figure.

5. "We Built This City" - Starship
A horribly dated music video with some laughably bad effects, and that's about it.

6. "Tennis Court" - Lorde
This one is odd but nothing to terrible. It at least has good visuals and could have worked for a different song, or at least parts of another music video.

Auditory Abominations: Top 20 Worst Music Videos - Part 1

The music video has largely changed a lot about the music industry, what was originally a medium that is mostly auditory and lyrical now added in a visual medium and from that we got some amazing videos, from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" to OK Go's "That One Moment" to Johnny Cash's "Hurt", there are so many amazing music videos out there, but that is why I'm not doing that first. I mean, there are music videos that are strange and odd, but a plain bad music video, I thought it was a rarity, but apparently not because I had twenty-nine contenders for this list, which by the way is more than when I did my worst Katy Perry songs list. Now, let's set a few rules here, of course with the usual one video per artist. Videos that are strange don't always equal bad, but the oddness factor will be taken into account because there still has to be method to the madness, and I feel as though I should also mention that I don't hate every song on this list, some of the songs I don't have much of an opinion on. With that said, let the fun begin.

20. "Holiday" - Madonna

Usually I am not all for dance music videos, where there aren't a lot of shots and it's just the artists and a few friends or hired extras dancing, but I do see that there is real talent behind it making the shots look good and having the dancing be on point. Good thing that neither of those went into this video. Madonna does have some good music videos, and plenty of good songs, but seriously, what was up with this one?

The first problem is the camera work, it has that afternoon soap opera feel, it's hard to explain but the characters never really feel like they're in front of anything, it's really weird and I've only noticed it in the soap operas my grandma watches. The beginning choreography is essentially just swinging her arms around and hopping, not jumping, hopping. Madonna also looks a little restrained doing this doesn't she? Like she wants to do something a tad more interesting, like kicks and spins but nope, just this. Then there is the elephant in the room, or rather the weirdo in the background, seriously what is he doing there? Whose idea was it to have this odd person in the background just watching Madonna and crew dance?

Beside that the video is just average, not particularly cinematic, but just so odd that I couldn't ignore it.

19."Come and Get It" - Selena Gomez

In some respects, this video shouldn't be too bad, it is cinematic and has some nice visuals, and we get to see plenty of those visuals, too much.

The main problem is that a lot of it tries to be cinematic, just for the sake of being cinematic. I mean what is the point of having the field of blue flowers and the dancing on the boat in the dark by fire-light? What does it really add to the song or video as a whole? Even in the beginning there are shots of hawks and waves and it just gives the sense of importance or grandiose that the song itself really lacks. It uses a lot of traits you would see in a movie, which makes sense when you see a music video as a mini movie, but a movie has some kind of story, even a lot of art-house films have some sort of story, and if this is supposed to be like an art-house film, than it fails by being uninteresting and having these visuals just because they look pretty. Lens flares, slow-motion and sexy clothing all appear in this video and none add anything note worthy to the video except making it look pretty.

What I'm saying is, this video is style over substance at it's finest.

18."Crazy B*tch" - Buckcherry

Okay, I'll admit that this music video has the right idea of placing the band in jail, the problem? Well, first it's kind of got that Memento style of video creation, where we see the end of the video at the beginning and vice versa. It worked in that movie because things got explained as the movie went along, this one moves along quickly, so I don't know what the group was arrested for in the video, at best I can see a parking violation, and I really hope that it isn't the worst.

The other main problem with the video, well it tries to sell itself with a woman dancing around in a sexy outfit. Granted, there are times when something like that works, but not with any song that can qualify as "Butt Rock". It just gives me the feeling of watching a bad stripper and I can't help but think that it kind of objectifies women at least a little bit. However, I will concede that there are worse offenders, such as...

17. "Call on Me" - Eric Prydz

There is a time and a place for pornography, there are also sites for pornography and I don't think people want to pleasure themselves to an ear-pounding song that actually makes Buckcherry sound pleasant.

Really, what else do I have to comment on? The complete sexist nature of the video in how it's a male fantasy through and through? Yeah, wouldn't we all like to be that one guy in a dance workout class surrounded by sexy women while they do pelvic thrusts and other sexual moves to a high energy song that assaults your ears and makes you wish you were listening to "Technologic". Even if the video wasn't intended to be like that, it still comes off as trying not to stare at your buddies girlfriend while she's bending down to get something, awkward and something we'd all like to forget about.

16. "Blue (Da Ba Dee) - Eiffel 65

Okay so the plot of this music video is that the frontman of Eiffel 65 gets kidnapped by these aliens and the other band members go to rescue him. Because that doesn't sound stupid at all.

Getting the obvious out of the way first, the aliens are f*cking gross. It's been said that their heads look phallic, I can see it, but I've seen worse. I am mostly talking about their movements, especially when they bob their heads up and down it looks so mechanical, and this is the guy who wasn't even weirded out by "I Feel Fantastic", which did not make the list. In fact, nothing about the alien's movements seem natural, it never looks like they are standing or moving on something so they look like a terrible, out-dated 3D effect from a movie like Jaws 3-D. The combat in this video looks terrible and the acting of the band's frontman is so bad, it's like he is being told how to act by someone with a thick accent.

Also, if you really want to see how bad the combat in this video is, look no further than the unarmed combat sections, which look more digitally altered than Pickle and Peanut, a show the features Photoshop images as main characters. Sometimes they don't even look like they're trying, and in the end of the video, despite being kidnapped and attacked, the band decides to go back and play for the weird blue aliens. Wow this music video is lame, and it's not even the worst CG I've seen in a music video.

15. "Let's Get Rocked" - Def Leppard

I'm perfectly sure that this would have been a fine music video, if it wasn't for that creepy, butt-ugly computer generated cross between a Weird-oh and Ash Ketchum. Really, who cares about any other issues the video may have? You'll never, ever get the image of that CG thing out of your head, and if you do you'll only replace it with a gag inducing shot of the inside of a CG mouth and dangling uvula, not just a dangling one either, it moves like a cartoonish booger. Just, GAH! Let's move on to something else.

14. "Through the Fire and Flames" - DragonForce

Seriously, standing there? That was the best idea you could've had for a music video? Yes I understand that this was early 2000s, but you know what was before the early 2000s? The music video for Aha's "Take on Me" which still looks great today, so even with the time period there is no excuse for how lame this video is.

Seriously, when you listen to this song what images come to your mind? Probably a large scale war, a fight with a giant dragon, you know something epic, fantastical, almost Lord of the Rings style, but what we got instead was standing there. Yeah the song is awesome, but that just makes the video worse because the video should have been awesome, even if actually having a large war was to expensive, animate it. Hire a good animator and animate something epic, like riding a griffon into the sky, charging into battle on a charcoal black unicorn with fire for a mane and glowing red eyes, slaughter a bunch of orcs, this could make for some really epic animated music video, but instead we got this. Joy bunnies.

13. "Hello Kitty" - Avril Lavigne

I've already talked about the song before and quite frankly the song may have put the video this high, but Christ this music video sucks.

Really, this music video can be summed up as "Avril Lavigne skips through Japan", and not any of the cool places like that deer park, or Mt. Fuji, or any of the Shinto Shrines, just through a very bright, hard to see city. When we do see colour, they are so cheerily colourful that it makes the video look quite vulgar, and why does she have those four women behind her? What real purpose do they serve and why do they do that awkward march?

As you know, this video caused a bit of controversy because of the depiction of Japanese culture being seen as "racist", I have seen worse, but in this day and age some would argue that a racism accusation makes things worse, I don't really agree but then again I have a feeling this wasn't done with any malicious intent, it was just a stupid video and that's it. The problem is, it's a stupid, pastel coloured nightmare.

12. "Tunak Tunak Tun" - Daler Mehndi

Surprisingly, I find that there is a lot to like about this video, I like how the artist characterizes the different elements, and the video has a very upbeat tone to it all. That is unfortunately where my praise ends.

Let's begin with the obvious, the CG is terrible, and I get the blue screen as sets would be very expensive, but at least build models, take some skillful pictures making the small buildings look large and dance in front of those or find some images of the places you want to dance in front of, but instead we got CG that would be embarrassing in ReBoot. It's especially noticeable when it comes to the effects for the elements, especially the Earth and water elements, with the former looking like something out of the Donkey Kong Country cartoon, and the later looking worse than the TLC video for "Waterfalls" which came out in 1994.

Also, even though I like how each elemental character is colour coded, it still would have been nice if there was some change in design, like little details that distinguished them all, like how the one for Earth would have his clothes together instead of everybody else's and the one for wind would look more (for lack of a better term) wind-swept. Then there is the dancing, which was funny at first but now just looks like drunks trying to impress people at a club, albeit a decent nightclub.

Also, why does the character representing wind look more like Earth, I always get those two confused.

11. "Mr. Blobby" - Mr. Blobby

Why couldn't I just forget about this travesty? Forgetting about the awful song that accompanies this, the video begins with some sci-fi thing, It's hard to really see through the smoke and what I assume are synchronized swimmers (I assume a lot about this song and video don't I?), then it moves into some party, but it moves simply to quickly so I can't even see what's going on. Then Mr. Blobby gets a massage, I think, then Mr. Blobby gets placed in terrible green screen backgrounds, and I thought the last entry had terrible green screen. Then the video decides to parody other, and as I often say in my creepypasta reviews, better music videos like "Addicted to Love" and that three-man point that ZZ Top does.

The video is a fuster-cluck of scenes and ideas if you can call them that, I'm not gonna call them that, and it just seems to stop eventually. Now, the horrifying this is not that this video exists, it's that the video is only number eleven... There are ten music videos I thought were worse than this.

And because I can't hold you hostage, I'll stop here, but this has been posted along side Part 2, so go read that: http://auditoryabominations.blogspot.ca/2017/01/auditory-abominations-top-20-worst.html