10. "Whatzupwitu" - Eddie Murphy ft. Michael Jackson
This video commits sin by being a bad video that starts with a Discworld reference. Aside from that the rest of the beginning of this video are unconvincing green screen and a monochromatic Eddie Murphy surrounded by bad CG and lame computer effects. Whenever something moves past Eddie in this video, I can't help but see the line it's following, if it was a flash cartoon, I'd be seeing the motion tweens. Speaking of bad effects, Michael Jackson randomly sparkles into the video, and trust me when I say that is the one thing that makes the most sense in this entire video, I mean, music bars appear and they don't even stand on them, that is how little this music video makes sense. Also, I'm going to kick myself if I don't make this joke:
Yeah, almost all the transitions in this video are dissolves.
Steering back to the topic at hand, Michael brings nothing to this music video, all he really does is bob up and down, move his head back and forth and move his arms, there is no energy and no real passion. Then random stuff happens where it starts to rain Michael Jacksons, a heart frame appears over the both of them, and children in uniforms appear right out of nowhere circling both performers. Do I have to go on? About here is where I quit the video, I couldn't comprehend what I was watching, and also because the song itself was unbearable.
Steering back to the topic at hand, Michael brings nothing to this music video, all he really does is bob up and down, move his head back and forth and move his arms, there is no energy and no real passion. Then random stuff happens where it starts to rain Michael Jacksons, a heart frame appears over the both of them, and children in uniforms appear right out of nowhere circling both performers. Do I have to go on? About here is where I quit the video, I couldn't comprehend what I was watching, and also because the song itself was unbearable.
9. "Because I Love You (The Postman Song) - Stevie B
To be fair, I have never seen a music video so perfectly matched with any song before this one, the problem is that it also matched quality wise.
I don't care how cinematic and artsy you make a person doing nothing look, that doesn't hide the fact that the person is still doing nothing. Stevie here mostly stands by a wall or sits at a piano while the camera fades to other shots of him standing by a wall or sitting at his piano, and although my previous statement implied any effort of cinematics or artsy... ness, I guess, there really is none. I can count on one hand everything that happens in this video, and that amount of fingers I raise to this video, you can take that either way you want.
8. "Secular Haze" - Ghost BC
If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that this is the choice where most people would flip out over, yeah the song is good, but that doesn't make the video good.
If you want to gage how bad this video is, think of the worst SNL sketch you've ever seen and there you go. That's what "Secular Haze" reminds me of, a bad SNL sketch or even worse an abysmal SNL performance. The camera shifts around a lot and comes in and out of focus it feels like a drunkard was behind the camera, sometimes the camera just films random plumes of smoke moving because, I can't even make the argument that it's artsy, it's just random, and I don't even think it's for the sake of being random. The music video then ends with so many bright colours that it looks like Rainbow Bright was caught in the middle of a care bear orgy. You would think that a music video of the 2010s would have a little bit more effort than this. If you wanted to see cut Muppet Show content, this is the music video for you.
But at the very least, the song is pretty good, unlike my next entry...
7. "The Climb" - Miley Cyrus
I quite honestly have yet to see a video that is simultaneously pretty to look at but lacking any real substance. The video is kind of pretty with it's blue and purple lights and scenery, but it has the same issue as "Come and Get It", in that it is really style over substance, only this time it's more obvious.
The majority of the video is Miley just walking on a road, and stopping to pick up a rose, and watching some CG horses run past and then we see clips from the movie, which I never saw and don't have any desire to. We also get to see her stop and play for a few shots, but quite honestly, I have had a more interesting experience looking at a Chia Pet, just without all the admittedly pretty scenery.
6. "Go West" - Pet Shop Boys
You know, these visuals would look amazing, on a Sony PlayStation. The CG in this music video is texture less and reminds of a Video Brinquedo animated movie (Look them up, then you'll understand). If that was the only issue than the video wouldn't be so high, but the video surrounds itself in this gummy CG including the artists walking through unconvincing CG backgrounds and blue screen effects worse than Daler Mehndi. CG red stars fly all around the screen and there are plenty of shots of marching men, which are either too close, or not close enough and they go by so quickly I can never tell if they are real people or awful CG. Speaking of things flying around, out of nowhere, CG balls! At least they look better than 3D Balls, was that too easy of a joke? Screw it.
The artists walk up these bad CG stairs in the middle of the video and then a hammer and sickle, in the same video as the Statue of Liberty, I don't get it. The point where I just checked out was when the artists were standing on top of the CG balls, I'm tempted to just leave it at that, but then they just walk into the sky and go through a random sky door and what am I watching!? At the very least the song is not bad.
5. "Miracles" - Insane Clown Posse
Speaking of bad effects.
This is video is mostly just the Insane Clown Posse standing around while things happen beside and behind them. The things going on beside them aren't even interesting, those things are just barely moving and then the camera shifts to another scene that is what these two clowns are rapping about, with a couple close-ups of their faces. The video as a whole is a mesmerizing experience of WTF, and there is reason it became an infamous meme. Remember when memes were funny?
4. "Sweet Like Chocolate" - Shanks & Bigfoot
With some of the worst CG animation I have ever seen, there is no doubt that this music video would have made the list. If that was the only problem, it wouldn't be so high, but oh dear this music video also had to be boring.
Nothing really happens in the video, characters move around, things move around and the scene changes, and that's it. There is nothing going on through the entire video, even though this only is the fourth worst music video, I can vouch for each one in saying that there is at least something going on in every music video, but this one? Very little actually goes on, even in "Through the Fire and Flames" although nothing was happening, it at the very least did not desire to give us some creepy CG animation to go with it, and the colour scheme is almost exclusively brown tones, which in the right ways can be beautiful, but here it looks as plastic and ugly as a melted Barbie doll. Let's leave this music video for the forgotten corner of the internet.
3. "Right Now" - Van Halen
I want to know what was going through the mind of whomever made the concept for this video. I can almost picture the meeting right now...
"Hey Tim!"
"Yes Jon?"
"You know that video we have to work on for the new Van Halen song?"
"Yeah"
"Well I have the perfect idea!"
"Is it to give it some creepy CGI knockoff of a children's character?"
"No, let's put obnoxious text all over the video"
"Like at the beginning so the audience will have a chance to read it before the song begins?"
"No, all through the entire video, so the audience can read some text, and listen to music that does not match the text at the same time"
"So what text are we going to put in there?"
"Some stuff like 'Right now a child is starving in Africa' and then right after that we'll have some thing about the band"
"But wouldn't that make the band look a little bit egotistical?"
"Nah, David Lee Roth isn't here and he would find a way to make it larger than life"
"Well I think that is perfect for the music video!"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, now let's find some stock footage of the band playing and stuff happening and place the music over that, then we can clock out early."
I apologize for that unfunny skit.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the worst CG animation I have ever seen, and considering the fact that I saw Dorbees - Making Decisions that is saying too much.
Nothing looks alive in this video, like even though it is highly outdated, the music video for "Money for Nothing" still looks more alive than this. Hell, even "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" looked more alive than this mechanical nightmare. The scene where the three... Characters I guess, fall and fly into the spaceship is horribly off beat and I'm only getting started with the problems in this music video. When they go into space, yes space, the problems really start to pile up. Especially the text bubbles, but first, the asteroids textures look more basic than the textures I have on my 3D object creation software, and the spaceship moves about as naturally as a mechanical horse. The text bubbles are probably the worst of this part as they freeze the entire video just so we can read one half-second of text that doesn't even have facial animation to it. Then they go into a planet monster, and get pooped out of it's planet butt, the funny thing is you think I am kidding! Seriously though, can we stop with the CG uvulas? They all look f*cking disgusting.
But in all seriousness, what really happened in this video? I mean, this has the problem "Sweet Like Chocolate" had, characters just got up, moved around and that's it, and please don't tell me that this was the best CG animation we could get in 1996, because Beast Wars came out the same year. However, there is one video worse than this.
1. "Parisian Goldfish" - Flying Lotus
Give up... Just give up. Seriously, I have nothing for this one, just quit doing what you're doing because this is one of the weirdest things I've seen in my entire life, and I saw the Little Baby's Ice Cream commercial. That's it, game over man, game over!
Between the seizure inducing green screen effects and the NSFW content, it's amazing that this video is even allowed on YouTube, oh wait, they censor it, because that totally helps the awkwardness that comes with this video, there is a time and a place for pornography, and also a form of arousal. Seriously what's fun about watching two adults banging on the rejected backgrounds from Problem Solverz? I've seen some strange stuff while making this list but this lunacy madness take I will NOT!
And that is my Nostalgia Critic reference, and now it's time to raise my quota.
And because I had so many, here are a few dishonourable mentions:
1. "Blurred Lines" - Robin Thicke ft. T.I. and Pharrel
Consider this one my number eleven, some would say that this is a very sexist music video, but quite frankly it was tame compared to the other sexist music videos I've seen, so I gave this one mercy.
2. "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love for You" - Glenn Medeiros
As I said when I reviewed this one, the only interesting thing about it was how the music video looked as though all it needed was the sing-along lyrics at the bottom of the screen.
3. "Hollaback Girl" - Gwen Steffani
Although this music video lacks cohesion and I loathe the opening bit, it was not as bad as these twenty.
4. "Goodies" - Ciara ft. Petey Pablo
You know, if you want to sell the whole "I'm more than sexy" thing, don't have a music video that does nothing but show off your figure.
5. "We Built This City" - Starship
A horribly dated music video with some laughably bad effects, and that's about it.
6. "Tennis Court" - Lorde
This one is odd but nothing to terrible. It at least has good visuals and could have worked for a different song, or at least parts of another music video.
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