Auditory Abominations: "Funky Man" - Dee Dee King (80's Marathon Part 1/6)

You know what? Let's do a marathon. Yeah, I've been more interested in the 1980s this year, so I figure I may as well do a bit of an 80's marathon, which should consist of four Abominations and two Aces. The 80s as I have stated previously, is both the best and worst decade for music, the best because of all the awesome music that we got from this decade, to numerous to name but for a small list, "Master of Puppets", "Learning to Fly", "Tom Sawyer", "Take on Me" and "Welcome to the Jungle", amazing classics that every fan of music at least know. It is also the decade that gave us the four chord pop song, the decade that gave us Synth Pop and the decade that gave us plenty of stinkers from "I Want to Know What Love Is", "Nothing's Gonna Change my Love for You" and "We Built This City". Since I already covered those songs, I think I'm going to branch out a bit, and start with a terrible song, from an artist who should know better, this is Dee Dee King, or as he is better known as Dee Dee Ramone.

Yes, Dee Dee Ramone had a hip-hop career, and no, we are just getting started with how bizarre the 1980s were for music. My next abomination is going to be a dance song that is sung like a news report, the funny thing is you think I'm kidding! However, staying focused, this is only one of the weird pieces of crap from the 1980s, you know, the decade that gave us "Physical" and "Agadoo" and yes I am going to get to those songs eventually. However, I want to start with this one because, the Ramones were one of the most important bands in the world, and one of the members, decided to start a rap career. It's just bizarre and I won't get over that fact, you can say that punk rock is overrated, but we can all agree that this song is shite.

The opening drum beats are simple, I hate it when drums are used this way. When used correctly drums can add a new layer of mood to the song, think "Lazarus" or "The Sound of Silence" (either version). The other opening instrument, which I'm going to assume is some kind of guitar, doesn't work for me. It may be the sound, but it just doesn't work. Also, there those effects like from the opening of "Tom Sawyer" which is an actual good song and one of my favourite songs ever. This kind of sound worked their because they only used it once.

I'll give the instrumentals credit though, they sound a hell of a lot better than Dee Dee does. His voice is raspy and nasally, like if Marilyn Manson and Bob Dylan were singing coaches to the same person. The vocals also nearly drown out the instrumentals, but on other times Dee Dee's rapping style moves to fast it's like he is mumbling his lyrics. For comparison, Macklemore and Busta Rhymes both rap fast, but they're style is smooth and flowing. Dee Dee Ramone sounds like he is forcing every word out of his mouth, and the lines are delivered about as smooth as a nail bed.

The lyrics are also utter shite, and not just the part where he goes "fu-fu-fu-fu-funky!". No, Dee Dee sang worse lyrics than that, arguably though that may just be the best line in the whole song though because, Dee Dee King is a bit of an egocentric. He loves to tell people he was the bassist in a punk rock band, and his name is Dee Dee Ramone. Yeah, I know he calls himself Dee Dee King, but even he just says he is Dee Dee Ramone. Does he want to be called his stage name, or by his original stage name, wow this just got confusing.

The instrumentals somehow deteriorated. This is a large problem with doing these kind of text reviews because, I can't describe with 100 percent accuracy how bad the song actually sounds, so if you want to hear the guitar work around this portion, that is the reason why the song and video are posted up at the top. So, if you want me to describe the instrumentals, you know that trick that some guitarists do, where they play a not but it sounds kind of blocked or something, that's what is happening. I could end this review here, but we aren't even two minutes in, and this is a four minute song.

There is this odd part of the song (Saying a lot I know), where it almost sounds like somebody else is singing. Which begs the question, if he can lower his voice like that, than why does he sing with all that rasp? The song does practically end with him doing the same thing, with the same lyrics over and over again.

This song was awful. If Dee Dee Ramone wanted a rap career, fine more power to him, but he did so in such a horrible way that he never released another single afterwards. Everybody knew this song was terrible, and it was still released. Dee Dee's poor vocal work, painful flow, the awful instrumentals and the bad and repetitious lyrics, Dee Dee King definitely made one of the worst songs of all time.

Look, the 80s were an amazing time for music, but this is the kind of garbage you would get if you tried to make fun of the 80s by mixing together two genres that should not go together, punk rock is a very messy, rough and uncut genre, hip-hop is a stylized and smooth genre that requires rhythm and flow, the two can be mixed as we have seen with Rage Against the Machine, but the band knew what they were doing and how to properly mix the two genres, and they aren't even punk rock.

I'm done, next time will be an Ace on one of the most iconic songs of the 1980s.

Auditory Abominations: "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You" - Glenn Mederios

And thus, we take another trip to the 1980s, the only decade that is simultaneously one of the best and one of the worst decades for music, so far the only one because the 2010s is still not over.

What makes the 80s such a strange decade is all the one hit wonders that came and went from that time, sure there are the likes of Iron Butterfly and Barry McGuire in the 60s, and there is also groups like Jars of Clay and in some respects Aurelio Voltaire in the more modern era. The 80s on the other hand, oh boy there was, just off the top of my head, Aha, A Flock of Seagulls, Midnight Oil, Devo, Dexy's Midnight Runners, Pseudo Echo, Will to Power, The Vapors, Soft Cell, Twisted Sister, Wall of Voodoo, Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy, The Psychedelic Furs, Living in a Box, even technically Rainbow, and almost none of their songs sound like anything else, and trust me, a lot of them were not great, but I think this may be the worst of the bunch.

Technically, this guy isn't a one hit wonder, he had one other hit, but you know I don't think a lot of people really care or know about that song so my point still stands. This guy is Glenn Mederios, a Hawaiian singer who got to record this song for winning a contest and just out of luck, someone happened to play it while in the mainland states and word of mouth spread quickly making this song a hit, the funny thing is you think I'm kidding. However, being honest that probably is the only way this song could've ever become popular.

The song is essentially the filler you would find on Karaoke Machines with very little actual songs on them. It especially starts that way with the slow synth and a saxophone. The instrumentals don't make me think of anything other than pre-set beat and karaoke night embarrassment.

Glenn himself sounds like Lionel Richie with a touch of nasal, and I'm not a big fan of Lionel Richie, so take what I say here with a grain of salt but, he is a better vocalist than Glenn Mederios.

You may notice that I have actually little to really say about either aspect of the song, and that is mostly because that is all they are, bland and dull, like what do you really expect me to say? It is not a bland like "Afternoon Delight" where there is a lot to talk about because of the time period it came out in and the lyrical content, it's more a bland like "We Built This City" except that song also was a little bit obnoxious, this is just boring.

Even the lyrics aren't interesting, about the same as "You complete me, completely vague woman that I love.", you know the type of song Bo Burnham made fun of with "Repeat Stuff", which incidentally is not only a better song, also a funny song, which I'm only writing as a way to remind myself of the next abomination I have to do.

Really, the only interesting thing about this song is the awfully boring music video that looks as though it is missing the karaoke lyrics near the bottom of the screen. Other than that though, the song is painfully boring, even when Glenn puts "power" in his vocals it does nothing except make me appreciate Lionel Richie.

So, yeah, a boring song. Which considering my next review, quite honestly may actually be necessary. I'm the Entity of Darkness and, leave it to the Brits to give a musical career to a character that nobody liked, that is what's next.

Ace Audio: "Fairytale of New York" - The Pogues ft. Kristy MacColl

Well, 'tis the time of year for pop stars to sing the time-tested carols for the consumers to eat up. The vast majority of Christmas music is mostly just covers of classic Christmas songs, not that any of them are bad, in fact with the right people, you can make a really good version of the classic. As much as I would love to cover one of the classics on this blog, I actually want to start with one of my personal favourite Christmas tunes. A popular gem from the 1980s known as "Fairy Tale of New York".

This is not my favourite Christmas song because it hasn't been covered by thousands of people, this is my favourite because it is not all "happy, joyous, and all that stuff." It starts off with a slow piano and a droning singer, and when I say droning, I mean he extends most of his lines, like "It was CHIIISTMAAS EEEVE BAAAABE." as a fair example. This is not a hindrance to the song though, as it helps establish the mood and tone of the song pretty much as the song starts, which means the rest of the song can be dedicated to the events of the song.

The song tells a story, and I love it when a song does this. This particular story is about an Irish immigrant couple, whose lives are ruined by addictions and bickering.

The opening does start off slow and somber, but after a little bit (about a minute in) the song adds some string instruments and Kristy MacColl offers her vocal talents. The sound is a good juxtaposition to the kind of depressing lyrics, although the first verse and chorus are pretty happy. I mean, the two reminisce about meeting, saying "You were handsome/ You were pretty, queen of New York City." and "We kissed on the corner, then danced through the night". It is a pretty joyous part of the song.

However, after that the song becomes pretty depressing. Now the two are throwing insults at each other, and wishing this was their last Christmas together. This portion of the song caused a little bit of controversy, although I think censoring the lyrics kind of ruins the portion. Also keep in mind that the particular word they use, has a different meaning in different places, especially in the U.K. where the band is from. This is also made a bit more clear by adding the words "Cheap, lousy" at the beginning, implying uselessness, which is generally what you would not want in a small bundle of sticks or a cigarette. Although, yeah it could be a slur, I wasn't a British person in 1980's I was barely even a sperm cell.

The final portion of the song is slower than the others, it is probably where the guy is trying to get the girl back, but it is not made very clear because of the length before the chorus. Seriously, there are like three of four lines and then BAM, "The boys of the NYPD Choir were singing Galway Bay," and then instrumentals. It still is a nice part of the song, but maybe one of two more lyrics could have made it stronger, or maybe made the song worse I don't know, I did not write it.

While I am on the subject, I do love the chorus, it is short, but gives a nice image, and I love the lines "And the bells were ringing out, for Christmas day." it just makes me feel good.

If you're tired of the usual Christmas carols and want something less like "It's Beginning to look a lot like Christmas" than I would recommend this one. It sounds like no other holiday song I've ever heard, and does not use the holiday as an excuse to make a happy song. A lot can happen on Christmas, lots of good and lots of bad, and this song perfectly shows that.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and Happy Holidays to everyone, and I wish you a grand new year, hopefully it will turn out better than this.