Auditory Abominations: "I Can't Keep My Eyes Off of You (Oh, Baby)" from SpongeBob SqaurePants

Well, this is new. Yes, this is my first time I'm looking at a specific song from a TV Show, I mean I did look at the songs from "Dorbees - Making Decisions", but that was the entire thing, and only one video. SpongeBob SquarePants has over 200 episodes and two feature length movies, and even though the show isn't a musical series, covering all the songs would not be possible because 1). many of the songs are actually pretty good and 2). some of them barely crack a minute. Plus, I am planning to do a similar review for Ace Audio on a song from Steven Universe, have fun guessing it. So yeah, this is going to be a fun experiment.

This "treasure" of a song comes from the season 5 episode "To Love a Patty", an episode that I didn't like, not even as a kid. It was mostly because I didn't think the whole SpongeBob loves a Krabby Patty plot to be entertaining. Yes, you read that right, SpongeBob loves a Krabby Patty. No, not in the same way an artist loves their work, nor is it similar to that joke in "Just One Bite" where Squidward dreams of marrying a Krabby Patty. This is a whole episode where SpongeBob falls in a romantic love, with a burger. Of course this is the episode where we get one of the worst songs from the show.

I should also mention that this was apparently supposed to be a parody of a song from High School Musical, which doesn't work because that would require the audience member to A). Have seen High School Musical, and B). Have liked it enough to know all the songs. C). actually watch SpongeBob, and D). Actually dislikes that particular song to find this parody funny. I have never watched High School Musical, and I have no intents to, so if the audience doesn't get the reference than the parody is dead.

The opening instrumentals want you to know that they are doing this almost IN ERNEST! Having lightly strung instruments and an overall feeling of "whimsy" that is absolutely absent. The opening lyrics are also crap, but not for the same reason.

"Oh Baby/ They may call me a fool/ But I can't help/ Out gravitational pull"
As another music critic would say "NOT A RHYME", and the writer should know this. Tom Kenny doesn't even do anything to make those words rhyme, like pronounce "pull" like "pool" which is a basic technique that you are allowed to do, it is called a half-rhyme and you didn't even do that right.

While I'm on the subject, no SpongeBob is not the worst voice to be put to music, but in this song, he  is somewhere between this:

and this:

With the first video actually being of the better singing.

Almost sporadically does the song actually change into an up tempo pop song. SpongeBob's voice does really lean more towards the annoying side in this song at this point too, but that is not the worst part of this song.

The lyrics are what make this song so unbearable, but that problem with them stems more from the issues with the episode plot. Basically, the plot screws up because they don't personify the object enough for the audience to understand why SpongeBob fell in love with it in the first place. So when SpongeBob sings something like "When I stuff you with cotton candy/ It reminds me you're so sweet", I'm left wondering if SpongeBob sees the object as a sweet girl or if the object itself is just something sweet.

I also really dislike how SpongeBob sings the word "Baby" as he has to drag and emphasize each time. It became really annoying before the first time it happened.

The second verse (or third I really don't care at this point) kicks in and suddenly SpongeBob sounds like he is sing-speaking, when he was doing actual singing before. This only serves to make the song even more confusing rather than mix in an interesting contrast or style. If anything it just sounds like they were being lazy.

I would also be foolish myself to not mention the infamous scene where SpongeBob starts murdering clams. It really is not one of the better scenes of the series and over all it would have been better off removed. You can see why in any review of this episode.

The final line I'd like to touch upon with this song is one of the last lines, "From your pickles to your buns/ It ain't even funny". I mean, I know pickles and buns are used when making a burger, but pickles and buns are euphemisms for body parts, pickles being for a part that is generally seen on males. I have doubts that this was intentional, but I can't believe how that got through the censors, but then again this is the series that had an episode where one of the characters was psychologically tormented to the point of committing suicide. I don't get this show anymore...

This song is crap! It is a parody that very few, if any, people would actually understand, has really obnoxious singing, and lyrics that range from confusing to concerning. However, none of that really matters, sure they make it a bad song, but that isn't why I think this song is awful, or at least not entirely why. If this song was cut, we would have actually gotten more insight into SpongeBob's mind, so we could see what he sees. As far as the audience is concerned, Patty is just a burger, so any insight we could get would really help us. What does SpongeBob see Patty's character to be like? none of that is explained and this song could have explained it in a similar way to how The Nightmare Before Christmas handles its songs, but instead we get this fluff of a song that amounts to nothing and somehow became downloadable content for the Rock Band video game series.

I don't get it. I'm the Entity of Darkness, and if you need me, I'll be knee deep in that magical labyrinth of I. M. Meen. It sounds better than this.

Auditory Abominations: "Addicted" - Simple Plan

Hey, I've already talked about Simple Plan. Yeah, last year I reviewed the song "Untitled", which may just be home to the most generic set of lyrics I have ever heard. Well, see there is a reason I'm looking at Simple Plan again, and that reason is, "Untitled" is only one of their bad songs. I don't think I'm going to do another Simple Plan song after this, although "I'm Just a Kid" is also utterly terrible. The reason is that, "Untitled" is not the norm of bad Simple Plan, much like how "Glycerine" is not the norm of bad 90s music, "Untitled" was a completely different beast to slay than this. Although some of the main problems are still prevalent, the frontman is annoying and the instrumentals never get passed anything other than Meh, it has different problems than "Untitled" does. So, here is my second look at the worst band my country has ever spat out, opinion subject to change of course.

So, how does this song start? With what sounds like the bastardization of "Sweet Child O' Mine". This opening guitar riff sounds horrible and I feel like if it played on repeat it would cause a headache in two minutes. Aside from that, the frontman still sounds like a castrated Bob Dylan with a nasal cold, and the rest of the instrumentals don't really do much. However, that is not the worst part about the opening lyrics.

When they say "Addicted" they have to pause before they finish it, so essentially they are saying "I'm a dick, I'm addicted to you". Which is the worst pick-up line I have ever heard. I mean, "I want to know what love is", "Everything I do, I do it for you", "When I dream, I'm doing you all night", they all got nothing on "I'm a dick, I'm addicted to you", yes, I'm giving apologies to Foreigner, apparently you can sink lower than "I Want to Know What Love Is".

Okay, giving this song the benefit of the doubt in that this song might be a break-up song, no. You should not ever have say, "Hunny, I'm still a dick... Still addicted to you!" If I heard that, I'd cut all ties immediately.

The chorus itself tries to be sort of energized, but it just sounds the exact same as other Simple Plan songs. I mean, what is the difference between this song and "I'm Just a Kid", aside from the incredible line of "I'm a dick... I'm a addicted to you"? The chorus has many moments where the music pauses, and instead of putting emphasis on a specific line, they stop just to start as soon as the frontman begins again.

Also, the chorus makes me realize something I hate about break up songs, most of them are one sided. I get the idea that you only have your own thoughts on how and why the break up went, but I find that the best break up songs are not always the "I want you back" or the "I hope you die and rot alone where you belong" kind of songs, more a song like OutKast's "Ms. Jackson" which actually focuses more on the break up effecting other people within the family, and has some great lyrical contrast between Andre and Big Boy. Another good example is Gotye's "Somebody That I used to Know" as it actually focuses on the post break up, they are glad it's over, but he doesn't want to be cut out of her life. Also, Adele's "Someone Like You" which is a beautiful song about trying to move on, and they were all successful songs as well, each of them topping the Hot 100 in America.

Although comparing the songs success wise, this song peaked at number 45, so the general public all admits that these kinds of songs are not the best love songs either, but then you realize that this was the third single released from the band's debut album. This song, over a song that had one of the members of Good Charlotte that could have given you even more hits.

They chose a song that is at best an even lamer version of The Proclaimer's "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" which has it's charm and it's place in music history. You know what this song is at worst? A generic, par for the course Simple Plan song. I would much rather listen to Eamon's overly angry, rude and trying to hard too offend "F*ck It (I Don't Want You Back)" because even then that is a song that is about moving on, although one of the worst songs in that category.

I knocked out every problem with this song before the song even reached it's two minute mark. Thank whoever invented the pause button, and that is a true testament to a song's poor quality. You see, "Mr. Blobby" and "Starships" both got worse as they went on, "Swalla" and "Bawtidaba" both had so much lyrical problems that I could not end the review at just one minute of the song. A lot of the songs I cover I listen to entirely because they often change, get worse or just have such awful lyrics that I can't ignore them all. This song doesn't sound like it will change, and for three, almost four, minutes we get awful singing, bland instrumentals and a subject that has been before and since in different and more importantly better ways.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and next time I'm going to try something a bit different...

Ace Audio: "The Good Doctor" - The Protomen

Hey, I never said all the odd stuff was bad, did I? Also, a joyous noise because this is the first song from 2009 that I'm covering on Ace Audio!

So what exactly is this? Well, this is a song from the album Act II - The Father of Death, a rock opera inspired by Mega Man, you read that right, inspired by Mega Man. So if you think that this is going to be some nerdy techno rock song, than think again because these guys know what they're doing.

The first sound of this song is actually a western style guitar sound. You know, lots of western themed movies and games use this kind of sound, you can hear something similar to it in the game Red Steel 2. It continues to go on with slow guitar and heavy bass, and it just sounds beautiful. The drums kick in around the twenty second mark, but stay for a short bit. It's a bit distracting, but not too much so.

As I said, the album is based on the Mega Man series of video games, and makes it a rock opera, not to dissimilar to Tommy. This song is basically the catalyst for the series. For those who don't know, Mega Man is about a robot (Aptly named Rock, and titled Mega Man), who fights the other robots from Dr. Albert Wily, with help from his creator Dr. Thomas Light. Wily and Light were originally colleagues and this song focuses on that aspect, and also why the robots were created in the first place. It's show cased beautifully in the opening lyric. "My father worked the mines until the day it took his life/It stole him from his only son, and it stole him from his wife." this is Thomas Light's first verse and it suddenly gives things a perspective.

The third verse is also really good, and it really does show Tom's side of the situation. "They've waited so long for this day/Someone to take the death away/No son would ever have to say/"My father worked into his grave"." The drums really kick in around this point and have a kind of military beat to them, which I think compliments the rest of the instrumentals.

Next is Albert's verse, and gives a good metaphor "If you replace the working parts, you get a different machine" which could mean many things, even in the context of the song.

Since I talked about these verses separately, I think I should talk about the vocalists. The first one playing the part of Dr. Light is very heavy and it works well, Dr. Wily's singer is a bit off for what I would consider his voice to be, but the singer isn't bad at all, and it does create a nice contrast between the two.

The instrumentals are also nice, and not just the drums and guitars, but also the horns, yes horns. They have horns in this song and they just add something right, I don't know but they just add to the song. It's really nice.

Light continues the song with probably my favourite lyrics of the song. "I never said that men should bow. I never said that men should break."

I also like how the lyrics give Light some good motive and they really make us side and sympathize with him. I don't want to give away all the lyrics to this song, but then again you always have the chance to listen to it. Speaking of the lyrics, if you do look up the lyrics to this song, you'll also get descriptions of what goes on before the verse. I also like the conversations that the two have. Debating about human nature, what the robots would be used for, and ethics.

Overall, I think that this is an amazing song and shows a lot of promise for the album. The instrumentals, lyrics and story all work beautifully and create a unique song, the likes of which I haven't ever head in any song before, not even in the rock scene. Would you guys believe that this album and it's previous one have yet to be reviewed by major reviewers and have still gained a bit of a cult following? Well, if I ever find a copy of either album, I'm going to buy them. This song was just to good to pass up.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and rock on my friends.

Auditory Abominations: "Swalla" - Jason DeRulo ft. Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla $ign

You know, despite what many people may think, it is not impossible to form an opinion on a song just by listening to one clip of it, in fact that is how many of us find songs we like. When ever we hear a song play in the background of something, or a clip of it played in a video, or as an ad in this song's case, we form an opinion on that small bit, if the opinion is a positive one, we go check out the song, if not, well that is why we have free will. This is part of the reason I have the songs up there if you guys want to listen to it, so if you haven't heard this song before and want to form your own opinion, you can do that.

A Jason DeRulo song has been on my list since I began, and originally I was going to look at "Whatcha Say", and I still might, but I think this takes a bit of priority because, even in 2017, mainstream hip-hop doesn't seem to understand that being obnoxious is not the same as being upbeat. So, here is "Swalla", really? This is going to be like "Bawitdaba" again isn't it?

This begins with a distorted ice cream truck jingle... Okay, that is one of the most random ways to start a song ever, but if it wasn't clear from the title, this lets you know exactly what the song is going to be about. WE ARE NOT STUPID!

The actual song begins with distorted vocals and the most generic beat I have ever heard. Then it gets worse, DeRulo opens his mouth. Jason DeRulo has had some okay tracks, I personally don't hate "The Other Side", but his voice just doesn't work for me on this track, it sounds like he is just doing the song for his next paycheck.

The opening lyrics don't help this song at all, "Love in a thousand different flavors/I wish that I could taste them all tonight", yeah, this is about as subtle as a sledgehammer, incidentally, that song is far more subtle despite being the louder song! Alright, trying to keep my comparisons until the song actually gets going. What's next?
"So you should bring all your friends/I swear that to all y'all my type". Oh goody, one of these songs, mindless background noise about no strings attached sex. Because we don't have enough of these. The bridge before the first chorus has the most annoying voice I have heard yet, DeRulo sounds like he is trying to mix The Weekend with Tiny Tim.

Well, let's look at the chorus, "Shimmy shimmy yay, shimmy yay, shimmy ya/Swalla-la-la (drank)/Swalla-la-la (swalla-la-la)/Swalla-la-la". Seriously, did you not have better lyrics than "Swalla-la-la"? Did that make more sense than "Swallow-low-low"? I mean, seriously, what the actual Hell? This is almost exactly like "Bawitdaba" except it makes even less sense, at least that song was purposefully trying to not make any sense, I hope. I mean, I haven't even gotten half-way through the song and I've already talked about the biggest problem, but I'll humour you, let's see if the song gets at better.

Our next rapper is Ty Dolla $ign, whom I have never heard a single song from, I just kind of assume that the majority of his career is featuring credits. Actually, I assume that about most mainstream rappers and hip-hop artists. He honestly sounds like Lil' Wayne finally finished going through puberty, complete with the voice sounding like auto-tune.

As for his actual verse, well, "Bust down on my wrist in this b*tch/My pinky-ring bigger than his" So, are they now throwing in women who are cheating on their boyfriends or husbands? Or is "pinky-ring" something entirely different? Suddenly, I miss "Afternoon Delight", that song was awful, but at least it's metaphors made some kind of sense, and yeah, it's not very subtle and still tries to be subtle, but you know, it at the very, VERY least sounds tolerable.

Dolla here also mumbles a lot of his lines, so even while I'm following alongside with the lyrics, it's actually very hard to understand him. Either, my theory that most modern pop artists perform while drunk is valid, or this guy is just an awful rapper.

After one more chorus, we get to Nicki Minaj, who I have talked about before. I'll keep this one brief, but her rapping style is speedy, and not in a good way. The speed doesn't sound natural, and doesn't work with her voice.

Anyway, her verse, "Bad gyal no swalla nuttin', word to the Dalai Lama/He know I'm a fashion killa, word to John Galliano".

Actually, that is something I wanted to comment on. "Gyal"? was "Gal" not enough so you had to throw in a completely pointless "Y" in there? Also, what does the Dalai Lama have to do with this? And I don't even know who John Galliano is, hold on let's see... Hmm... A fashion designer, I took Fashion Design in High School why didn't I learn about this? Most of Nicki's lines are just painfully awful metaphors that work about as well as, name dropping a religious figure in a song about sex.

Really, this song has more lyrical problems than that though, and I don't have the time to go into each awful lyric. Aside from that the beat is generic, the singers are all crap and I don't even think there is any hope for this song beyond 2017. If this song is remembered for anything, it will probably be for how awful it is.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and...

I'm burnt out.

Auditory Abominations: "Bawitdaba" - Kid Rock

I am digging up the oddest things this time around aren't I? Seriously, what kind of song is named after nonsense? ...Does "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" need to be acquainted with this? ...That's what I thought.

So anyway, Kid Rock, or as he introduces himself KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID KID ROCK! yeah, what a strange creation he is, a redneck rockstar cowboy pimp rapper, or at least that is what he likes to parade himself around as. I don't really have a whole lot of thoughts on Kid Rock, I try to avoid listening to music I don't like whenever possible, but this proves that I can't avoid everything forever, so here we go. I'm going with this song because it was the first song on the album that made him big, so why not?

For some reason, this song begins with build-up, or maybe it's just the video. Yeah, thing about YouTube again is, sometimes you get "bonuses" for selecting a video, like an actual music video that plays like a mini movie or something like what Weezer did with "Buddy Holly", the fact that I just mentioned a Disney song and a Weezer song within three paragraphs of a Kid Rock review is sad.

Anyway, the song actually begins with Kid Rock introducing himself as, that up there ^ and giving us the only part of the song we will remember. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I looked up the lyrics to this song, crazy I know. Yeah, the opening lyrics we are given pretty much nonsense, "Bawtidaba da bang, da bang diggy diggy diggy/ Diggy, shake the boogie, said up jump the boogie".
Yeah, that is uh, a group of lyrics or something, but oh well, let's see the actual song.

"And this is for the questions that don't have an answer/The midnight glancers, and the topless dancers/The can of freaks, cars packed with speakers/The G's with the forty's and the chicks with beepers".

Alright, maybe I'm missing something, but so far it sounds as though this is both a shout out track and a call out track. A shout out track is basically a song that is a shout out to someone or a group of people usually people who inspired the writer or artist, a call out track is essentially the opposite of that. Hold on, let's go to the glorious interwebs to find what this song is actually about, I'm am researching deep meaning of a Kid Rock song, what has my life become?

Okay, this is apparently a Mosh Pit anthem. Yeah, you know forget the glorious "Ten thousand Fists" this is all you need to get into a mosh pit. Especially one with topless moshers, oh wait shirtless dudes, right. Unless he actually meant strippers, I'm confused again.

Yeah, if this is supposed to be a mosh pit anthem, then the first group of lyrics are basically just shout outs to hookers and meth. So, you know, it has that going for it?

We get another chorus, and seriously, if you want your chorus to be nonsense, at least have your nonsense make some kind of sense. I get that "Bawitdaba" somehow gets people pumped, but then again so does "Break Stuff" and we all know how well that song works. Seriously, what does "Bawitdaba" supposed to even be? "Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy/Shake the boogie said up jump the boogie"?

We get one more lyrical group of call outs or shout outs (honestly I don't know which), and apparently D.B. Cooper is in the crowd. Either that or he just had to write in one infamous criminal and Charles Manson just wasn't iconic enough.

After this, we get an okay instrumental solo. It has the guitar just being played and it doesn't sound awful, even the snippets of the other instruments being played sound okay. This should have been the opening, not the cheap build-up crap. It is however, ruined by one thing, a stupid vocal sample being played over it, it is under the instrumentals, but it is kind of annoying. Then we get one final chorus, and I'm suddenly realizing that I wasted three minutes on a Kid Rock song.

Yeah, this isn't the worst song I covered, but I do think it's one of the worst. It's just lyrical trite, I don't even think anybody was sober when it was written. Honestly, everything else about the track is alright, the instrumentals and vocals work, but the lyrics are this songs biggest failure. And what even is "Bawtidaba" supposed to even mean? I've said nonsense and made-up words but I at least prescribed meaning to them.

Really though, there is just one thing I can say about this song that sums up all of my thoughts.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and next time I don't think I'll have to use so many more pictures.

Auditory Abominations: San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in your Hair) - Scott McKenzie

What? The 60's is far enough from the 1980s. Also, I needed to add another song to my 1960s category, so I figured I may as well.

Let's be fair here, the 1960s were one of the most important decades for music. Although I stand that the 70s is still the best decade, the 60s were when multiple genres really took off. We had early heavy metal with Steppenwolf and The Jimi Hendrix Experience, in fact many of the earliest heavy metal bands like Black Sabbath, Rush and Led Zeppelin formed in 1968. We had the Billboard charts in full effect this decade, listing the top 100 and still doing a poor job of doing so. The British invasion happened and the British were inspired by American up-tempo blues artists like Muddy Waters and Howlin' Wolf, who were arguably the god fathers of rock and roll. Also on that note, many important landmarks of rock and roll history happened, Woodstock, The Summer of Love, Altamont, even the shifting political scene was important to music. This gave rise to the protest song, made popular by Bob Dylan.

Of course, the 1960s gave us so many staples of music that we still use today, one of those topics is making a song that reflects the times, and also have them not be as unbearable as a sawblade running through our ears. Before we got the classic about Woodstock, aptly titled "Woodstock". We got the song about The Summer of Love known as "San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair)". Which I'm going to get extremely tired of typing out, since there is also the title of this blog, any time I have to type it down for track records, yeah I put a lot of effort into these blogs, so from here on in I'm just going to refer to it as "San Francisco" or better yet "That song that makes San Francisco wish The Summer of Love was somewhere else." Okay, I'll be very honest, the one place I want to see more than any other place is the corner of Haight and Ashbury where The Summer of Love was held. So, I get it, I understand the appeal of this song at the time, but this is another victim of a song that has aged about as well as cheese with fly larvae living inside of it. It's an acquired taste to put it lightly, and apparently goes great with wine, and in this case, lots of it.

The opening instrumentals of this song are, fluffy, little actual substance and mostly just air. Which, you know, fine 1960s hippie track, summer of love I get it, but it's just so bland on top of that, even when things are genuinely fluffy and full of air, there is still something of flavour there. Anyone else feel like a mousse or something?

Song first! Anyway, the instrumentals are definitely better than the opening vocals, which just seem to drag on the first line in the song. You can emphasize certain things in your song, like "San Francisco" it's pretty much the subject of the song, but why do you have to emphasize the word "Going"? Yeah, people headed to San Francisco, but I think that most of the people headed to the Summer of Love, were already there when the song was made, even if not, it's still a weird word to put emphasis on, it's almost as if they didn't have enough lyrical content to fill out a three minute song. but that would just be ridiculous right? Even the following line drags, like seriously from the opening instrumentals and the first two lines of the song, we have already spent twenty-five seconds here, I mean, by this point in "Summer in the City" we not only got our first verse, but we were already two lines into the chorus, and that is two minutes, two and a half even. I get that this is a feel good song, but even then a feel good song shouldn't feel like it drags.

The song, as mentioned prior, is about the Summer of Love, so it goes on about all the nice things you can find there, like gentle people, and gentle people with flowers in their hair, and you will know that you will find a love-in, which is actually a term used to describe gatherings like The Summer of Love, so you know, points in that regard, but the lyrics are repetitive. The line "People in Motion" is said thrice, as is the phrase "Summertime will be a Love-in there", look, I'm not asking for much, I'm not asking for "BYOB" or "Octavarium", but I am at least asking for something that does not repeat the same damn line three times, and no those are not parts of the chorus, this song doesn't have one.

About the third stanza is when there is an actual shift in the sound of the song. It sounds different, and that's really it. Like, the guitar is gone and given to light tapping of drums, and even Scott himself sounds a little different, he isn't dragging the majority of the lyrics. This is, okay I guess.

Well, since I am on positives, Scott himself does a decent job singing. I mean, his voice doesn't sound too bad. He kind of reminds me of the guy from The Killers.

However, that doesn't save this awful song, which became one of the biggest selling singles in the world. The vocals drag the lyrics, the lyrics themselves are repetitious, the instrumentals are fluff, over all this song is one of the most pointless songs I've ever heard, and also one of the most dated in the worst ways possible.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and have a good Easter, or at the very least, try to.

Auditory Abominations: "Mickey" - Toni Basil (80's Marathon Finale)

Alright, last song of this marathon. After this I'm going to go to a song far from this decade.

Anyway, Hey Mickey! Yeah this song is um... something. Okay, look the 80s were weird. From our punk rap song, to that news reading dance song and also to odd songs like "Mexican Radio" and "Throw the 'R' Away". I like to say that the 1980s was the decade you could get away with anything in music. In fact, there is still so much 80s weirdness I haven't even looked at yet. I will end up doing a review of songs like "Dog Police" and I dunno insert weird obscure song from the 1980s here.

I think that it is only fair that I look at one of the more well known weird songs, and this one is not exactly weird for the same reasons something like "Dog Police" is weird, it's weird in a different way, to put it simply, if this song was released in the 2010s, sure it will still be shite, but it would have been a touch less weird. Remember, this was the 1980s, when we had the music video for "Land of Confusion", Kenny G had a number one hit this decade, and The Proclaimers released their first two albums in this decade as well. So, what makes this song so weird? Well, it may have completely kick started the 1980s. what do I mean by that? I mean that 1980 and 1981 were just like the left-overs of the 1970s, I mean what was popular at that time? "Cars", "Rock With You", "Celebration" you get the idea, songs that sound more at home in a decade like the 1970s, in fact a lot of it actually was from the 1970s, and then 1982 happened, when we got this, The Human League, and the best song of the early 80s, "Physical". 1982 may just be the oddest year of the 1980s.

But that is all why this song is weird, why is song bad? Well, there is one major reason, and the song opens with that major reason. Cheerleader chanting! Cheerleaders only work in high sporting events because the energy is already high there, and even then nobody really likes their cheering, their pretty much just there because eye candy. Also, the opening drum beat is... I don't want to say it's repetitive, especially since most drum beats are, but that is why they are not the prominent instrument in a song, and when they do open a song, they often change the drum beat in the song like with Quiet Riot's "Cum on Feel the Noize".

The opening synth isn't terrible, it's annoying but that is just my disdain for synth speaking. There are some good and stylized synth songs out there, this isn't one of them, but it is passable for what it is.

You know, aside from that this is not really the worst song of the 1980s, I mean it's mindless and annoying, but it is not as annoying as "We Built This City". It's uninteresting but not as much as "Glory of Love". Essentially, this is just an upbeat pop song of the 1980s, although there is something interesting to talk about. This song is a gender bent cover!

A "Gender Bent Cover" is a cover song that swaps the gender around, think Aretha Franklin's cover of "Respect" and even Joan Jett's cover of "I Love rock and Roll". Essentially take a song from one gender, and reverse it, like Soft Cell's cover of "Tainted Love".

The original song was not called "Mickey" it was actually called "Kitty" by the band Racey in 1979, and was absent from having a cheerleader chant. Now, this song also sucks, but it is not as obnoxious and at the very least "Oh Kitty what a pity" sounds better than "Oh Mickey what a pity". So yeah, I'd much rather listen to this version than the cover. So how many awful covers does that lead me up to? Really, only four? Hmm... I'm doing better at avoiding awful covers than I thought.

Anyway, the lyrics in both are general lovey dovey crap, "You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand", how mushy. That really is it, like I said, not the most interesting of songs.

So, final verdict? "Mickey" is the worse version, since it added in an obnoxious cheerleader chant. Even then, the song is just a dull love song that is only remembered because of said cheerleader chant.

And that concludes my 80's marathon. Despite the choices I picked, this was kind of fun, I loved looking at a lot of these songs almost forgotten to time. I don't think I can pick out one worse song from my Abominations list, although right now "Funky Man" is taking the top spot.

Well, let's step away from the 1980s for a bit, and go back even further in time! I'm the Entity of Darkness, and I'm glad this 80's marathon is finally over!

Also, one last note, the music video is actually pretty fun.

Ace Audio: "Atlantis" - Angel Witch (80's Marathon Part 5/6)

The 1980s were one of the best decades for Heavy Metal. From the beasts of Metallica and Slayer, to the badass levels of Motorhead and Dio, to the delightful hair bands of Def Leppard and Van Halen, to everything else like Candlemass and Manowar. So, inevitably I was going to talk about one of these metal songs during my marathon, but which one though? Well, I decided that I should go with a relatively obscure band to even the playing field a bit, since my last Ace looked at a song everybody knows and loves. This is also one of the times I picked a song literally at random, so if I am not reviewing their best song, that is why. I chose this song because, while listening to the whole album, I was not too impressed by the first song, and this was the song that did get me hooked on the album. Second track too, not bad.

The songs kicks off with a mix of drums and an awesome guitar riff and then kicks into a more early heavy metal sound, not like Steppenwolf or Black Sabbath, more like Judas Priest. The instrumentals themselves are pretty great, and really do add to the song. The frontman Kevin Heybourne doesn't do too bad a job with his vocal performance. Granted it isn't the most metal thing in the world, and it can be a little distracting, but I think it works.

The lyrics do a fine job as well, being about apocalypse, and the rise of Atlantis, one of the more intriguing cities of mythology. The chorus is especially awesome, every time I hear it I also want to chant "Atlantis to rise" along with the band.

We get a pretty good guitar solo, and some of it is actually just the guitar, which is a nice touch. Jay Evans does an amazing job on this track, and Dave Hogg's drum work is also superb.  The song then ends with one more yell of the chorus and some more amazing instrumental work.

The album this song was on received some positive reviews, although one person hated it for it's production and weak vocals. Honestly, neither of those were issues with this song, as the instrumentals were solid, and vocals worked although were not the best, and the chorus was anthemic when it needed to be. Some have even said that this was one of the most important albums of the 1980s, and you can hear some Thrash Metal in this song especially. The funny thing is that this album was released in 1980, and it wouldn't be until 1983 that Thrash Metal would get decent footing with Metallica's Kill 'em All. Although this album wasn't why Thrash Metal took off, Hell it's debatable if it even is Thrash Metal, I can definitely hear it as early thrash and I think it is an underrated gem from the 1980s, a bit rough and maybe needs a bit of polish, but still of some value.

The band is actually still around as of now, although not the same line-up. So if you like what you heard, check out more of their stuff, the album is actually pretty good to, I'm going to have to find a copy. As for this song, I know it isn't the best the band has to offer, so I may come back to them eventually, but this was the point where I knew the album was going to be good, so I felt like this was the right song to choose.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and this marathon is almost over, just one more song to go. I don't even care what song I'm doing, let's get it over with. Wait, what's this...?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Auditory Abominations: "Glory of Love" - Peter Cetera (80's Marathon Part 4/6)

All the way back in my third review ever, I talked about the band Chicago, and their abomination of a song "If You Leave Me Now". Is Chicago the worst thing to happen to music? Hell no, since then I have heard a bad novelty song from a character everybody hated, The blandest metal in the world, and of course the nightmare that is Limp Bizkit. However, one thing I will say is that something terrible did indeed come from Chicago, and did indeed become one of the worst things to happen to music, "Look Away" which became the number one hit of 1989, but that's not the subject today. Today is another one of the worst things to happen because of the band Chicago, Peter Cetera's solo career. Yes, the frontman of Chicago has a solo career, he hasn't released anything since 2005, but he struck it big in the 1980s, and released this song to massive success. This song entirely blows, and is one of the worst songs of the 1980s, I wouldn't say it's worse than the previous songs I looked at, but it's worse than "Funkytown" and that song really got on my nerves. So, why is this song a glorious suckfest? Well, let's have a listen. Glorious suckfest, that doesn't sound right.

This track begins with piano, or at the very least a Casio. Right off the bat we are given an introduction to how god damn bland this song is going to be. I mean, "Walking in Memphis" has some pretty basic keyboards, but that song actually has some life to it, and I just figured out the main problem with this song within six seconds didn't I? Yep, this is going to be about as emotional as the acting from the Star Wars prequels, Hell I give those credit they at least had Ewan McGregor.

Can I end this review right here? I mean, this is practically going to be the exact damn thing as Chicago right? Well, I chose this song for my 80's marathon. Instead of something like, "Agadoo" or "Dog Police", but hey, maybe this song will give me something else to talk about, like how not to go solo.

Well, here is a first rule for going solo, don't sound like auto-tune, I hate how artists use auto-tune when they don't know why they should use it. This isn't being used for effects in this song, unless the effect is to make Peter Cetera's voice sound tolerable, which good luck on that front. Seriously though, Peter's voice sounds so artificial that Siri sounds more human.

Unfortunately though, that is really all there is to say, I mean what do I say about the lyrics? They're just a cheesy love song, filled with more sap than a Canadian brunch. Although I do take a lot of joy in the idea of Peter Cetera singing "I am a man who would fight for your honor/ I'll be the hero you're dreaming of" to a crowd of people who laugh him off stage because they can't take this line seriously. But then I realize that this was a Number 1 hit, and I remember that "I Want to Know What Love Is" was also a Number 1 hit. What was with the 80s and people taking cheesy, sappy love songs like this seriously?

The Instrumentals? Bleh, I mean they do their job, albeit poorly, but they do it. The faux drums don't sound awful and the keyboard just kinds of takes a back seat to Peter Cetera's auto-tuned dog whistle vocals. So, what else do I say about this song? Do I talk about the album it came from?
Actually, where did it come from?

From an album released to coincide with the theatrical release of... KARATE KID PART II? And it was originally written to end Rocky IV? This song, this fluffier than mousse, substance free, lighter than Helium waste of time, was written for an adrenaline pumping sports movie like Rocky? Then was used for a similar movie like The Karate Kid? You know what their previous movies used for themes? Rocky III had "Eye of the Tiger" one of the best pump up anthems ever, and The Karate Kid had "You're the Best Around" similarly one of the best pump up anthems ever. This was the song they thought could follow up "You're the Best Around"? I mean, if this was a Goonies song than maybe I'd understand, but then again maybe that would have made The Goonies so unbearably boring that it wouldn't even be worth it.

Granted, I never have seen Karate Kid Part 2, but I have seen the fourth movie, or a bit of it. It was meh if you're wondering. However, I think I'll steer clear of Part 2 if this is the theme. Like what do I even say about it? The singing just sounds auto-tuned, the instrumentals are bleh, the lyrics are cheesy and it was made to be the main theme to a movie that didn't fit with it.

Oh well, I'm the Entity of Darkness and, I need some old school metal.

Auditory Abominations: "Dance with Me" - Reginald Bosanquet (80's Marathon Part 3/6)

Yes! This is a real thing, and no I did not make this up to troll you. Just like with Richard Cheese and "Mr. Blobby", I'm digging up something that some of you may not have heard of, whether that is a good thing or not I'll leave that up for you to decide. I figured doing this song in the middle of the marathon would be best since I could begin and end with a more well known song that I can actually find footage of. That is the problem with relying on YouTube for videos because even though they are a massive website, they still don't have everything. This little gem came from 1980, by a newscaster. I'm not kidding, the singer of this song, was a newscaster, who was the son of a famous Cricket player, Bernard Bosanquet. Reginald worked at ITN and BBC for a while, and he died in 1984 from Pancreatic Cancer. I'm telling all of this to you, because this is one of the cases where the artist, is actually far more interesting that the art, which happens a lot unfortunately.

The song begins with an okay guitar and bass, not great but not terrible either. This could open a dance song of a decade like the 1980s. This however is interrupted by our "Singer", who sounds like a drunk old man, which at this point considering he was bordering fifty at the time, is quite a possibility. Have you heard the Epic Rap Battle of History between Roosevelt and Churchill? Well, Reginald sounds kind of like an older version of Dan Bull, and kind of drunker too. The YouTube description really says it best though, "...with Reggie seemingly unaware of what day it is, never mind he's supposed to be making a record...".

Reginald doesn't even really sing speak per say, he just talks like a news broadcast, which would be fine if this was a novelty song from the 70s, but then again, the most popular novelty hits from the 1970s were "Disco Duck" and "Convoy", which are both songs on my chopping block.

Amazingly, I can actually find the lyrics to this song, and umm... they're lyrics alright. Again, dance songs don't really need complex lyrics, but when you sing your opening lyrics with little to no enthusiasm whatsoever, and your opening lyrics are "Move up, move down, move round, move side" I don't think that one can excuse the poor grammar and writing in the lyrics. There are other lyrics that should be sang with any enthusiasm or charm, but they aren't, I never thought that I'd ever hear the phrase "Dance doowop, doowop all week" sang with no enthusiasm.

I also get the strange feeling like there is trying to be sexy or something, which is impossible considering the way he is "singing" this song. Yeah, if you want to pull of sexy, you got to have the voice to match. Marvin Gaye, Prince, they pulled of sexy so perfectly that some of their most well known songs are about the subject. What really kills any idea of sex appeal to this guy though is his singing style. Who wants to dance to this? The music is good, but much like Limp Bizkit, the problem is the vocalist.

Reginald Bosanquet is such a bad "singer", that I don't even think he gave any vocal work to this track, I think that this is just a prank that somebody pulled by recording his voice and adding it to music. Although, technology was not that advanced in the 1980s, but it was advanced enough.

It's songs like this, "Disco Duck", and "Mr. Blobby" that give the novelty song a bad name. Novelty songs can be done well, especially in the hands of people like Weird Al, Flight of the Concords, The Arrogant Worms, hell even Aurelio Voltaire has done a fair share of silly songs that aren't supposed to be taken seriously. Seriously, next Easter, play "Bunnypocalypse". Don't let songs that miss the point of being a novelty cloud your judgment on novelty songs in general.

Being a novelty song is not just doing something weird or wacky, you do have to put effort into being funny. These are not just the kind of songs that people play for a good laugh, if done well, these songs can actually take on a life of their own. There are many people who are fans of Weird Al and have probably never even heard of the original songs he is parodying. Hell, sometimes I myself play a goofy song by bands like Moxy Fruvous and Aurelio Voltaire because I'm in the mood for them.

This is not a funny song, it is not a song I can take seriously, but it is a song that exists. That is really all I can say about it.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and I need to listen to "Safety Dance".

Ace Audio: "Take on Me" - A-ha (80's marathon part 2/6)

The 1980s gave us a lot of music that was, very much reminiscent of the time. This is true for all decades, and most of the songs that are, let's say representative of their respective decade, aren't always the best. The problem with many of these songs is that they are outdated, which does not make an interesting review. Songs like "We Built This City" are bad songs, but not the most interesting kind of bad songs. A dated song that "Glycerine" is more interesting because it's problems were not common to songs of the era, "We Built This City" is a song that has problems that were common for the time, which makes it less interesting to review, and in some cases listen to. Songs that are outdated are generally those songs you put in the background for noise while you work, not to dissimilar to a podcast or a video review you've seen before, even I was watching a few reviews while writing this review.

Anyway, I bring this up because, one of the more interesting things to review are dated songs that are actually good.

"Take on Me" is a song that practically defines the 80s, you take one listen to this song and you immediately think 1980s, similar to how you hear "Eve of Destruction" and think 1960s. This is something you can do in any decade, at the risk of making your song dated. This is the surprising thing about this song though, although it is dated by a long time, it has also never aged a bit. Unlike a song like "Johnny B. Goode" which you can tell is from the fifties and yet also hasn't aged a bit, this song could not have been as successful as it was before or after the 1980s. The fact that it does not sound dated, and yet is completely dated is a baffling thought that could only have been pulled of in the 1980s. "Take on Me" is my favourite of these kinds of 80s songs, but there is also "Safety Dance", "Whip It", "Land of Confusion", "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)", "Mexican Radio" among many others. These are the songs that are obviously from the 1980s, and so unashamed of being from the 1980s that in a strange way, they actually become sort of timeless.

But what is a claim without a fact to back it up, short answer a YouTube Copyright claim. So, is this song still an 80's classic, or should we leave it in a box alongside Simon and our unsolved Rubik's Cubes. Seriously, who actually solved them in that day and age?

The song opens with a very catchy faux drum beat. I don't actually hate drum machines, sure I prefer real drums, but honestly, they don't bother me too much because they aren't often a big part in songs. Especially in a song like this, or something by Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker. Then, we get one of the most iconic and memorable synth lines of the 80s, NEIGH, of all time. How memorable is it? Pitbull sampled it for "Feel this Moment", to absolutely no avail, that was one of the worst songs of 2013.

Although the instrumentals give the song a very nice beat to it, the vocals are not to be overlooked. Morten Harket can range from very smooth to incredible high notes. The chorus is one of the most recognizable and memorable parts of the song. Everybody who has heard this has tried to replicate the very high notes Morten has used.

The instrumental break is also a very nice touch, I especially love the piano that kind of gives off a vibe that escalates into something tense. However, after that we get the iconic bit of the song once more, that synth riff is so good, and it's so damn catchy. It makes the song even better, one of the best songs of the 1980s, in my opinion.

I guess I should also talk about the lyrics, well, it's a love song and what don you expect it was an 80's pop hit. Not that they can't have lyrical depth or anything, I mean "Born in the USA" was a hit as was "Welcome to the Jungle", but the majority of them are songs about love, or related to love. It's telling when one of the songs that the 80's is known for is called "The Power of Love".

Yes, this song is dated, but it's dated in all of the best ways. Any generation can listen to it, and even if they will know it came from a different decade, it summarizes all of the best parts about said decade. The upbeat pop music, the unique vocalists and some of the catchiest music of all time.

Yes, this song holds up, even if not in the ways most songs hold up. I'm the Entity of Darkness, and the 80's marathon is just starting.