Auditory Abominations: "I Can't Keep My Eyes Off of You (Oh, Baby)" from SpongeBob SqaurePants

Well, this is new. Yes, this is my first time I'm looking at a specific song from a TV Show, I mean I did look at the songs from "Dorbees - Making Decisions", but that was the entire thing, and only one video. SpongeBob SquarePants has over 200 episodes and two feature length movies, and even though the show isn't a musical series, covering all the songs would not be possible because 1). many of the songs are actually pretty good and 2). some of them barely crack a minute. Plus, I am planning to do a similar review for Ace Audio on a song from Steven Universe, have fun guessing it. So yeah, this is going to be a fun experiment.

This "treasure" of a song comes from the season 5 episode "To Love a Patty", an episode that I didn't like, not even as a kid. It was mostly because I didn't think the whole SpongeBob loves a Krabby Patty plot to be entertaining. Yes, you read that right, SpongeBob loves a Krabby Patty. No, not in the same way an artist loves their work, nor is it similar to that joke in "Just One Bite" where Squidward dreams of marrying a Krabby Patty. This is a whole episode where SpongeBob falls in a romantic love, with a burger. Of course this is the episode where we get one of the worst songs from the show.

I should also mention that this was apparently supposed to be a parody of a song from High School Musical, which doesn't work because that would require the audience member to A). Have seen High School Musical, and B). Have liked it enough to know all the songs. C). actually watch SpongeBob, and D). Actually dislikes that particular song to find this parody funny. I have never watched High School Musical, and I have no intents to, so if the audience doesn't get the reference than the parody is dead.

The opening instrumentals want you to know that they are doing this almost IN ERNEST! Having lightly strung instruments and an overall feeling of "whimsy" that is absolutely absent. The opening lyrics are also crap, but not for the same reason.

"Oh Baby/ They may call me a fool/ But I can't help/ Out gravitational pull"
As another music critic would say "NOT A RHYME", and the writer should know this. Tom Kenny doesn't even do anything to make those words rhyme, like pronounce "pull" like "pool" which is a basic technique that you are allowed to do, it is called a half-rhyme and you didn't even do that right.

While I'm on the subject, no SpongeBob is not the worst voice to be put to music, but in this song, he  is somewhere between this:

and this:

With the first video actually being of the better singing.

Almost sporadically does the song actually change into an up tempo pop song. SpongeBob's voice does really lean more towards the annoying side in this song at this point too, but that is not the worst part of this song.

The lyrics are what make this song so unbearable, but that problem with them stems more from the issues with the episode plot. Basically, the plot screws up because they don't personify the object enough for the audience to understand why SpongeBob fell in love with it in the first place. So when SpongeBob sings something like "When I stuff you with cotton candy/ It reminds me you're so sweet", I'm left wondering if SpongeBob sees the object as a sweet girl or if the object itself is just something sweet.

I also really dislike how SpongeBob sings the word "Baby" as he has to drag and emphasize each time. It became really annoying before the first time it happened.

The second verse (or third I really don't care at this point) kicks in and suddenly SpongeBob sounds like he is sing-speaking, when he was doing actual singing before. This only serves to make the song even more confusing rather than mix in an interesting contrast or style. If anything it just sounds like they were being lazy.

I would also be foolish myself to not mention the infamous scene where SpongeBob starts murdering clams. It really is not one of the better scenes of the series and over all it would have been better off removed. You can see why in any review of this episode.

The final line I'd like to touch upon with this song is one of the last lines, "From your pickles to your buns/ It ain't even funny". I mean, I know pickles and buns are used when making a burger, but pickles and buns are euphemisms for body parts, pickles being for a part that is generally seen on males. I have doubts that this was intentional, but I can't believe how that got through the censors, but then again this is the series that had an episode where one of the characters was psychologically tormented to the point of committing suicide. I don't get this show anymore...

This song is crap! It is a parody that very few, if any, people would actually understand, has really obnoxious singing, and lyrics that range from confusing to concerning. However, none of that really matters, sure they make it a bad song, but that isn't why I think this song is awful, or at least not entirely why. If this song was cut, we would have actually gotten more insight into SpongeBob's mind, so we could see what he sees. As far as the audience is concerned, Patty is just a burger, so any insight we could get would really help us. What does SpongeBob see Patty's character to be like? none of that is explained and this song could have explained it in a similar way to how The Nightmare Before Christmas handles its songs, but instead we get this fluff of a song that amounts to nothing and somehow became downloadable content for the Rock Band video game series.

I don't get it. I'm the Entity of Darkness, and if you need me, I'll be knee deep in that magical labyrinth of I. M. Meen. It sounds better than this.

Auditory Abominations: The Songs from "Dorbees - Making Desicions"

Where are the songs from Steven Universe when I need them?

Okay, so disregarding this total breakdown of not wanting to do such an abomination, let's talk about Dorbees, because this is a fascinating lost relic of awful animations. It was made by the son of one of the members of a Christian gospel group. I don't honestly know if these song were written by the group, but I think they were sung by them. Either way I'm not crediting this to anyone, because I don't think they want to have these songs on their discography. This animated waste of potential, has no Wikipedia page and barely has a page on IMDb, so if you want a good understanding of what this is here is the actual video, from YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veVPWYNTj00

Of course, I'm not here to talk about the video, just the music, but I will say this; it is awful. Seriously, I've seen very few things that was this level of crap, the animation is awful, the storytelling is all wonky, the plots make no sense, the characters are lifeless, and the songs themselves range from bad to so bad that I actually kind of like them. If you have seen the video, you may think that the songs are the best part of it, and yeah they are, but that does not mean they aren't crap.

This came out the year I was born, so I didn't grow up with it, I instead grew up with what this was ripping off, VeggieTales. Say what you want, but VeggieTales was actually really good, and it had some pretty great songs. This wanted to be VeggieTales, without understanding why VeggieTales worked. But I'm getting off topic, this is a song blog, not an animation blog.

So what better song to start with than the very first song in the video, the theme song!

It's sung in this kind of lounge music style. Where this song really falls apart are the lyrics. The first verse is fine, but the second verse is just confusing, what did the singer say? "Rolling to a crawl"?, "Roll unto a bowl"?, "Rolling to a ball"?, at least it's better than the intro to The Nutshack. Also, I should never hear the phrase "Tiny little balls" in the theme song of a kid's cartoon, that is the fourth verse after the bridge by the way. The bridge by the way, asks "Why don't they go away?". The theme song tells us nothing about the Dorbees, except that they are "Tiny little balls" and that eventually we're going to want the to go away, which can not be any truer. This is however, the highlight of our song selection.

Now the main reason I am not going to cover musicals on these blogs is because there is story in between the songs, but this one has simple stories that I can explain in less than a paragraph. So between the theme song and the next song is a beginning story about a Scandinavian dorbee that needs new clothes and goes to this "groovy, funky" clothing store run by a stereotypical disco dude.

This one definitely has a groove to it, something you can easily get down with on the dance floor. This one isn't too terrible, it's mostly just bland. It never really changes tone or gives us anything within itself. It really only serves as a space filler. Really the only thing decent about this song are the technicals, the vocal work is good and as I have stated prior there is a groove to this one. This is more middle of the road than anything else.

Following this story is another story about two children who skipped school and are about to enter a spooky house. Yes, they also get their own song.

This song is just awful, really bad, but honestly I kind of like it. I generally don't talk about stuff I like ironically on these blogs as I love and hate them, but this one really needs to be seen and heard to be believed. Although, unlike most songs I enjoy ironically, this one probably has the most issues. The first issue should be apparent before the song begins, the character singing should really not be singing. His voice is so nasally, it's like if Gary Oak from Pokémon decided to start a jazz group. The other issue is the lyrics. These two are, as stated in song, eight years old and their complaining about not having credit cards, beards or cars, yeah, because that was all I wanted when I was eight, not more Lego or a pet fish, a credit card and a car were all I wanted.

The other character has her own verse, this time the lyrics don't start of too bad, actually complaining about things that I can see children complaining about, things like having to curtsey and wear things in your hair, stuff that children would complain about. Granted they still aren't great lyrics, but still a step up from the previous stanza. The song ends with the strangest thing in this entire thing, and considering what's coming up next, that is saying a lot. It ends with rejected scraps from "Yellow Submarine" and then repeating the song's title. Overall, this one is probably the worst quality wise, but I love how bad it really is.

Following this song is the theme song to a German public access show about a superhero and his sidekick and their evil nemesis who is a French cow. The funny thing is you think I'm kidding! The funny thing is I am not kidding, why am I not kidding?

I do not know what to say about this one. The faux German accent and accordion music gets annoying very fast and the lyrics are just beyond basic, I get that is kind of the point, but just adds to the obnoxiousness of this song by making it a total ear worm. This one is the worst of them all, it is highly annoying and is entirely pointless as the entire segment did not need to be in the video, at all.

And to top of the story of the two kids skipping school, one more song to show that yes, these people should not quit their day job. Unfortunately I could not find any footage of this one, so if you want to hear it, the link to the whole video is still there, skip to about 31:58 in the video, the link is still up there if you need it.

Not only is this song entirely random, but it is barely audible. I have no clue what they are singing half of the time, although it sounds as though they are just repeating the same lines over and over again. This song serves nothing to the plot, comes right the hell out of nowhere, throws all logic out the window, is never mentioned afterwards in the epilogue, you know where this is going just show the card.

Yeah, one pointless flavoured Big Lipped Alligator Moment.

On top of the pointlessness and randomness, this song is pretty annoying. The vocal work is in such a pitch it's as if Peter Cetera, Tiny Tim, Barry Gibb and a gospel group of castrato singers were singing it. The Mr. Poe intro song is worse, but this one is the most pointless. Thankfully it's forgettable, which is probably why I can't find footage of the song itself.

So, what was the point of all this? Well, honestly I really wanted to talk about the songs in the piece of trash. I watched this about three times and it wasn't until the third time it really dawned on me how terrible the songs actually were. If I had to choose, my favourite of the bunch would be the "Digg's Duds" song as it has some groove to it and is probably the best song quality wise, sure it's bland and mostly there to fill up space, but it could've been a lot worse.

From that, the list goes like this:

The theme song - Still has some good qualities, but still pretty bad.

"I Wanna be Grown Up" - So bad it's good

"Mr. Poe and Yogul" intro - The worst quality wise, but not my least favourite.

The ending song - The most pointless, needless, forgettable, bland, obvious filler I've ever heard.

Really, this is kind of a testament to how bad a musical can get. I won't do musicals often on this blog, but if I find something with every song as bad as these, oh you better believe I'll be on it.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and seriously, give this a watch if you're into "So bad, it's good" kind of stuff.