Auditory Abominations: "One More Try" - Timmy T

What the Hell is this?

Well, this was a number one hit from 1991, I'll repeat, this song was a Number One in 1991, the same year "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" defiled our ears. Being honest here, when people talk about music from early decades, most of the time it's the same as the final years of a previous decade. The only exceptions being the 1970s when the psychedelic era died down, and the 1990s where 1991 was kind of a strange point in music history. I mean, it's like 1989, but not really. I can't imagine songs like "Black or White", "Enter Sandman" or "I Touch Myself" in 1989, but then again it isn't hard to hear a song like "Losing my Religion" in 1989 either. 1991 was kind of a strange point in music history alongside 1982, 1976 and 2012.

This is one of the stranger songs, not because of the song itself but because it got popular enough to top the pop charts, and became the fifth biggest song of 1991. To give you some perspective, Mariah Carey had four charting songs that year, all of them charted lower than this. "Silent Lucidity" was also a chart hitter, landing the number 82 position, even EMF charted just below this song, at number six. This must have been a very good song to become that successful, or so you'd think. The most likely scenario is that this was just another case of a song that was very lucky to get as much airplay as it did, similar to the previously reviewed "Nothing's Gonna Change my Love for You".

The song opens with a preset synth riff, and it has the drum machine and this weird bass thing that sounds artificial mixed in. The synth itself could probably cause a headache, but the other stuff thrown in makes it extra annoying. If this qualifies as "Easy Listening" than I would also include a song like "Raining Blood" in there because that song is easier to listen to than this. Actually, can't I just do a blog about Slayer?

...No, I'm going to be hitting my Heavy Metal quota for the month quickly so probably not.

Anyway, after fifteen seconds of the annoying instrumentals, which feels like an eternity by the way, we get Timmy T here to sing the first line. You know, is it wrong to think of Timmy Turner whenever I hear that name? Maybe he actually wished that he had the voice of the blandest man in the world. Seriously, Peter Cetera has nothing on Timmy T, on blandness alone, he may be the worst vocalist in music, I don't even know if that is his actual voice or if it's auto-tuned. Honestly neither would surprise me.

The instrumentals just drone on, but the only reason the vocals don't is because they don't actually reach the level of drone on that I'm used to. There are speedy singers, then there are the normal singers, than there is this song, then there is "San Francisco", and finally there is "I Hate U, I Love U".

The we have the lyrics, and I will give Timmy T this, he is clear enough that I can hear every single clichéd apology word he sings. "Untitled" is the most clichéd song I've ever heard, but this takes a clear second place. Most of the lyrics are things that anybody would say to a loved one trying to win them back. "I didn't mean it", "It's been a long time since I held you", honestly it's just kind of pathetic.

Well, let's look at the chorus, and see if it offers anymore lyrical depth than the actual verses. Or the first chorus will start pretty much out of nowhere and still offer about as much lyrical depth as a puddle. Actually, a puddle is far more interesting than this.

This song sounds like a left-over from the 1970s, but this was from 1991. It may actually be the worst song from 1991, sure "Everything I Do (I Do it For You)" is more unbearable, but in terms of technicals and any entertainment, that song feels like Queen compared to this. The vocals are bland, the instrumentals are annoying and bland, the lyrics are clichéd and bland, and the whole song is one of the worst break up songs I have ever heard.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and next time is... another break up song. If it is anything as bad as this song, I'm going to snap.

Auditory Abominations: "Glory of Love" - Peter Cetera (80's Marathon Part 4/6)

All the way back in my third review ever, I talked about the band Chicago, and their abomination of a song "If You Leave Me Now". Is Chicago the worst thing to happen to music? Hell no, since then I have heard a bad novelty song from a character everybody hated, The blandest metal in the world, and of course the nightmare that is Limp Bizkit. However, one thing I will say is that something terrible did indeed come from Chicago, and did indeed become one of the worst things to happen to music, "Look Away" which became the number one hit of 1989, but that's not the subject today. Today is another one of the worst things to happen because of the band Chicago, Peter Cetera's solo career. Yes, the frontman of Chicago has a solo career, he hasn't released anything since 2005, but he struck it big in the 1980s, and released this song to massive success. This song entirely blows, and is one of the worst songs of the 1980s, I wouldn't say it's worse than the previous songs I looked at, but it's worse than "Funkytown" and that song really got on my nerves. So, why is this song a glorious suckfest? Well, let's have a listen. Glorious suckfest, that doesn't sound right.

This track begins with piano, or at the very least a Casio. Right off the bat we are given an introduction to how god damn bland this song is going to be. I mean, "Walking in Memphis" has some pretty basic keyboards, but that song actually has some life to it, and I just figured out the main problem with this song within six seconds didn't I? Yep, this is going to be about as emotional as the acting from the Star Wars prequels, Hell I give those credit they at least had Ewan McGregor.

Can I end this review right here? I mean, this is practically going to be the exact damn thing as Chicago right? Well, I chose this song for my 80's marathon. Instead of something like, "Agadoo" or "Dog Police", but hey, maybe this song will give me something else to talk about, like how not to go solo.

Well, here is a first rule for going solo, don't sound like auto-tune, I hate how artists use auto-tune when they don't know why they should use it. This isn't being used for effects in this song, unless the effect is to make Peter Cetera's voice sound tolerable, which good luck on that front. Seriously though, Peter's voice sounds so artificial that Siri sounds more human.

Unfortunately though, that is really all there is to say, I mean what do I say about the lyrics? They're just a cheesy love song, filled with more sap than a Canadian brunch. Although I do take a lot of joy in the idea of Peter Cetera singing "I am a man who would fight for your honor/ I'll be the hero you're dreaming of" to a crowd of people who laugh him off stage because they can't take this line seriously. But then I realize that this was a Number 1 hit, and I remember that "I Want to Know What Love Is" was also a Number 1 hit. What was with the 80s and people taking cheesy, sappy love songs like this seriously?

The Instrumentals? Bleh, I mean they do their job, albeit poorly, but they do it. The faux drums don't sound awful and the keyboard just kinds of takes a back seat to Peter Cetera's auto-tuned dog whistle vocals. So, what else do I say about this song? Do I talk about the album it came from?
Actually, where did it come from?

From an album released to coincide with the theatrical release of... KARATE KID PART II? And it was originally written to end Rocky IV? This song, this fluffier than mousse, substance free, lighter than Helium waste of time, was written for an adrenaline pumping sports movie like Rocky? Then was used for a similar movie like The Karate Kid? You know what their previous movies used for themes? Rocky III had "Eye of the Tiger" one of the best pump up anthems ever, and The Karate Kid had "You're the Best Around" similarly one of the best pump up anthems ever. This was the song they thought could follow up "You're the Best Around"? I mean, if this was a Goonies song than maybe I'd understand, but then again maybe that would have made The Goonies so unbearably boring that it wouldn't even be worth it.

Granted, I never have seen Karate Kid Part 2, but I have seen the fourth movie, or a bit of it. It was meh if you're wondering. However, I think I'll steer clear of Part 2 if this is the theme. Like what do I even say about it? The singing just sounds auto-tuned, the instrumentals are bleh, the lyrics are cheesy and it was made to be the main theme to a movie that didn't fit with it.

Oh well, I'm the Entity of Darkness and, I need some old school metal.