Auditory Abominations: "Girls" - Beastie Boys

"Awful song from an otherwise good artist" counter: 5
Yeah that's right, I'm keeping count now.

I think this is one of those songs that gets a free pass from people because "It's not meant to be taken seriously, it's silly, it's meant to be a joke" but I don't buy those excuses. This song sucks, and here are the reasons why.

For starters, that opening beat sounds like the theme tune to a children's game show got thrown into an NES and was mixed with "Axel F" after it went through the ZX Spectrum. It lasts for seven seconds but it becomes obnoxious at the first. Then it gets worse, the vocals kick in.

This song is sung by Ad-Rock and his voice is high and nasally, but I've heard worse. That is the thing, when you're talking about a song you hate from a band you love, or even just like, there is surprisingly little you can say on the topic of singers. However, I will say that the vocal work combined with the obnoxious beat make me about as happy as having an infected splinter on my foot.

Speaking of obnoxious the songs flow is just that. It's simple sing-speaking with a large emphasis on one word after every sentence. It becomes grating really fast and the word they put the most emphasis on, "Girls", because obviously.

It also makes the song sound repetitive, although it isn't. Still though, the fact is that the beat and flow are so bad that they make the only part of the song that isn't repetitive, sound like it is, that is some kind of feat that I'll give it credit for, I've never heard a song with that problem. I've also never seen a beached whale be mutilated by a fork lift until Family Guy so take that for what it's worth.

But okay, flow is one thing, how are the actual lyrics? Well, they are kind of split on my feelings towards them. The first bit is Ad-Rock talking about his love for women, and I get the same feeling from this bit of the song that I get from a song like "I Want to Know What Love Is", but that may just be me. The second bit is probably the best part of the song lyrically, he's talking about a woman whom he fancied, but she fancied MCA, and honestly, the only thing that ruins it again is the flow and beat. The final part is my least favourite, honestly if the song ended with the final line and how it was sung, sure the song would still be an abomination, but at least it would have ended on something high instead of this sexist group of lyrics.

I've heard that this song was not supposed to be taken seriously, which is fine, but that doesn't stop the song from being awful. If anything it actually makes it worse because when the artists don't take it seriously the song ends up becoming worse than it normally would. For a good example, Weird Al probably doesn't take his song super seriously, but what makes them funny is that he takes the music he makes seriously. It might sound like an oxymoronic statement, but you do have to take what you do seriously, even if you aren't supposed to take the song seriously, that is why I had trouble talking about "Bananaphone" as Raffi, even though made an annoying song, took the song seriously, or at least took it seriously while making it.

Honestly, I'd much rather listen to "Bananaphone" over this, that song was annoying but this was obnoxious. The beat pounded on my ears, the flow made the song worse, the lyrical quality is all over the place, this song is one of the worst to come out of the 1980s, and I completely forgot how awful this song was.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, jus... Just No!

Auditory Abominations: "Glory of Love" - Peter Cetera (80's Marathon Part 4/6)

All the way back in my third review ever, I talked about the band Chicago, and their abomination of a song "If You Leave Me Now". Is Chicago the worst thing to happen to music? Hell no, since then I have heard a bad novelty song from a character everybody hated, The blandest metal in the world, and of course the nightmare that is Limp Bizkit. However, one thing I will say is that something terrible did indeed come from Chicago, and did indeed become one of the worst things to happen to music, "Look Away" which became the number one hit of 1989, but that's not the subject today. Today is another one of the worst things to happen because of the band Chicago, Peter Cetera's solo career. Yes, the frontman of Chicago has a solo career, he hasn't released anything since 2005, but he struck it big in the 1980s, and released this song to massive success. This song entirely blows, and is one of the worst songs of the 1980s, I wouldn't say it's worse than the previous songs I looked at, but it's worse than "Funkytown" and that song really got on my nerves. So, why is this song a glorious suckfest? Well, let's have a listen. Glorious suckfest, that doesn't sound right.

This track begins with piano, or at the very least a Casio. Right off the bat we are given an introduction to how god damn bland this song is going to be. I mean, "Walking in Memphis" has some pretty basic keyboards, but that song actually has some life to it, and I just figured out the main problem with this song within six seconds didn't I? Yep, this is going to be about as emotional as the acting from the Star Wars prequels, Hell I give those credit they at least had Ewan McGregor.

Can I end this review right here? I mean, this is practically going to be the exact damn thing as Chicago right? Well, I chose this song for my 80's marathon. Instead of something like, "Agadoo" or "Dog Police", but hey, maybe this song will give me something else to talk about, like how not to go solo.

Well, here is a first rule for going solo, don't sound like auto-tune, I hate how artists use auto-tune when they don't know why they should use it. This isn't being used for effects in this song, unless the effect is to make Peter Cetera's voice sound tolerable, which good luck on that front. Seriously though, Peter's voice sounds so artificial that Siri sounds more human.

Unfortunately though, that is really all there is to say, I mean what do I say about the lyrics? They're just a cheesy love song, filled with more sap than a Canadian brunch. Although I do take a lot of joy in the idea of Peter Cetera singing "I am a man who would fight for your honor/ I'll be the hero you're dreaming of" to a crowd of people who laugh him off stage because they can't take this line seriously. But then I realize that this was a Number 1 hit, and I remember that "I Want to Know What Love Is" was also a Number 1 hit. What was with the 80s and people taking cheesy, sappy love songs like this seriously?

The Instrumentals? Bleh, I mean they do their job, albeit poorly, but they do it. The faux drums don't sound awful and the keyboard just kinds of takes a back seat to Peter Cetera's auto-tuned dog whistle vocals. So, what else do I say about this song? Do I talk about the album it came from?
Actually, where did it come from?

From an album released to coincide with the theatrical release of... KARATE KID PART II? And it was originally written to end Rocky IV? This song, this fluffier than mousse, substance free, lighter than Helium waste of time, was written for an adrenaline pumping sports movie like Rocky? Then was used for a similar movie like The Karate Kid? You know what their previous movies used for themes? Rocky III had "Eye of the Tiger" one of the best pump up anthems ever, and The Karate Kid had "You're the Best Around" similarly one of the best pump up anthems ever. This was the song they thought could follow up "You're the Best Around"? I mean, if this was a Goonies song than maybe I'd understand, but then again maybe that would have made The Goonies so unbearably boring that it wouldn't even be worth it.

Granted, I never have seen Karate Kid Part 2, but I have seen the fourth movie, or a bit of it. It was meh if you're wondering. However, I think I'll steer clear of Part 2 if this is the theme. Like what do I even say about it? The singing just sounds auto-tuned, the instrumentals are bleh, the lyrics are cheesy and it was made to be the main theme to a movie that didn't fit with it.

Oh well, I'm the Entity of Darkness and, I need some old school metal.

Auditory Abomination: "Funkytown" - Pseudo Echo

No this is not the song you are thinking of, I like that song. This is a cover, a synth rock cover of a disco track.

So, let's talk about covering songs from different genres, again. Although Pat Boone's "Smoke on the Water" was complete and utter cringe, and Richard Cheese's "Guerilla Radio" may just be one of the worst songs I've ever heard in my life, Pseudo Echo's cover of "Funkytown" may be the most depressing case of this. You see, Richard Cheese is not taking himself seriously, but even then, he's covering songs that a lot of people actually know, like "Closer". "Closer" is not a song that was huge on the Hot 100, peaking at number 41, but many people actually know the song, even if just for the crazy music video. Pat Boone did a cover album of hard rock and heavy metal songs that lot's of people knew like "Holy Diver" and "Enter Sandman". Pseudo Echo did a cover of a one-hit wonder, and this was their only hit, there has got to be some irony in that.

Now, the original "Funkytown" is one of my favourite songs of all time, I love how cheery it is and the robotic voice at the end is just so cool. So, what is Pseudo Echo's plan to cover it? Throw in some disco elements? Nope, make it a dated synth pop track, but that is not the biggest problem with the song, after all Johnny Cash took the industrial rock song "Hurt" and turned into a gothic country song, and made it amazing, so anything works.

So, how does this song start? With an electric guitar riff, granted it's not a bad one, but it doesn't fit the song. The song is about going somewhere that will "Keep me moving/ keep me grooving with some energy." When I hear an electric guitar riff, I don't think shake your hips, move your legs; I think bang your god damn head. but hey, maybe the song will get better.

Or it will just become "Funkytown" almost randomly. The only way this song even transitions into "Funkytown" is by snare drum, and granted this was before "St. Anger", but even in the 80's it should have been known that loud snare drums are not a good idea. The opening instrumentals mix poorly, the synth is dominant, as it should be, but I feel as though the guitar was just kind of pasted in because "We need to make this a rock song!", the snare drum is also there, reminds me a lot of "The Look" actually, which I mean, there are worse things to be compared to.

Although I can't say the frontman Brian Canham is a terrible singer, "Funkytown" is not the song for him. The song itself even is not a fit for "Funkytown", because I believe that "Funkytown" should actually be you know, funky. This song is not funky, it's the equivalent of making a somber and depressing folk song and energized and hardcore Pop Metal song, you're missing the point of the song and why the song works.

Even if you don't like the original, you can at least admit that there is appeal, and yes there is appeal here, but not a whole lot. I don't like this song as a fan of rock music, 80's music or even pop music.

The vibe I'm getting from this song is Boyband, and not a good one like The Jackson Five or The Beatles, I mean one like One Direction.

I won't bother going into the lyrics because "Funkytown" is not a song that prides itself on it's lyrics. However, I will say that when you completely throw the point of a song out the window, especially when the point of the song is practically built into the song itself, you probably should change the lyrics.

I get that a song can be covered in different styles every now and again, Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" for a good example, or hell even Aurelio Voltaire's "Hallelujah", both of those are different styles from the Leonard Cohen original, but they still match the tone. "Hallelujah" is not a happy song, and "Funkytown" is not a head banging song. You have to match either tone, point or style to make a good cover, or barring that you should make a cover that redoes the song and puts a different spin on it, like what Nirvana did with "The Man Who Sold the World", just as long as the different spin works.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and I hope this is the last awful cover I talk about.