Auditory Abominations: "Girls" - Beastie Boys

"Awful song from an otherwise good artist" counter: 5
Yeah that's right, I'm keeping count now.

I think this is one of those songs that gets a free pass from people because "It's not meant to be taken seriously, it's silly, it's meant to be a joke" but I don't buy those excuses. This song sucks, and here are the reasons why.

For starters, that opening beat sounds like the theme tune to a children's game show got thrown into an NES and was mixed with "Axel F" after it went through the ZX Spectrum. It lasts for seven seconds but it becomes obnoxious at the first. Then it gets worse, the vocals kick in.

This song is sung by Ad-Rock and his voice is high and nasally, but I've heard worse. That is the thing, when you're talking about a song you hate from a band you love, or even just like, there is surprisingly little you can say on the topic of singers. However, I will say that the vocal work combined with the obnoxious beat make me about as happy as having an infected splinter on my foot.

Speaking of obnoxious the songs flow is just that. It's simple sing-speaking with a large emphasis on one word after every sentence. It becomes grating really fast and the word they put the most emphasis on, "Girls", because obviously.

It also makes the song sound repetitive, although it isn't. Still though, the fact is that the beat and flow are so bad that they make the only part of the song that isn't repetitive, sound like it is, that is some kind of feat that I'll give it credit for, I've never heard a song with that problem. I've also never seen a beached whale be mutilated by a fork lift until Family Guy so take that for what it's worth.

But okay, flow is one thing, how are the actual lyrics? Well, they are kind of split on my feelings towards them. The first bit is Ad-Rock talking about his love for women, and I get the same feeling from this bit of the song that I get from a song like "I Want to Know What Love Is", but that may just be me. The second bit is probably the best part of the song lyrically, he's talking about a woman whom he fancied, but she fancied MCA, and honestly, the only thing that ruins it again is the flow and beat. The final part is my least favourite, honestly if the song ended with the final line and how it was sung, sure the song would still be an abomination, but at least it would have ended on something high instead of this sexist group of lyrics.

I've heard that this song was not supposed to be taken seriously, which is fine, but that doesn't stop the song from being awful. If anything it actually makes it worse because when the artists don't take it seriously the song ends up becoming worse than it normally would. For a good example, Weird Al probably doesn't take his song super seriously, but what makes them funny is that he takes the music he makes seriously. It might sound like an oxymoronic statement, but you do have to take what you do seriously, even if you aren't supposed to take the song seriously, that is why I had trouble talking about "Bananaphone" as Raffi, even though made an annoying song, took the song seriously, or at least took it seriously while making it.

Honestly, I'd much rather listen to "Bananaphone" over this, that song was annoying but this was obnoxious. The beat pounded on my ears, the flow made the song worse, the lyrical quality is all over the place, this song is one of the worst to come out of the 1980s, and I completely forgot how awful this song was.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, jus... Just No!

Auditory Abominations: "Funky Man" - Dee Dee King (80's Marathon Part 1/6)

You know what? Let's do a marathon. Yeah, I've been more interested in the 1980s this year, so I figure I may as well do a bit of an 80's marathon, which should consist of four Abominations and two Aces. The 80s as I have stated previously, is both the best and worst decade for music, the best because of all the awesome music that we got from this decade, to numerous to name but for a small list, "Master of Puppets", "Learning to Fly", "Tom Sawyer", "Take on Me" and "Welcome to the Jungle", amazing classics that every fan of music at least know. It is also the decade that gave us the four chord pop song, the decade that gave us Synth Pop and the decade that gave us plenty of stinkers from "I Want to Know What Love Is", "Nothing's Gonna Change my Love for You" and "We Built This City". Since I already covered those songs, I think I'm going to branch out a bit, and start with a terrible song, from an artist who should know better, this is Dee Dee King, or as he is better known as Dee Dee Ramone.

Yes, Dee Dee Ramone had a hip-hop career, and no, we are just getting started with how bizarre the 1980s were for music. My next abomination is going to be a dance song that is sung like a news report, the funny thing is you think I'm kidding! However, staying focused, this is only one of the weird pieces of crap from the 1980s, you know, the decade that gave us "Physical" and "Agadoo" and yes I am going to get to those songs eventually. However, I want to start with this one because, the Ramones were one of the most important bands in the world, and one of the members, decided to start a rap career. It's just bizarre and I won't get over that fact, you can say that punk rock is overrated, but we can all agree that this song is shite.

The opening drum beats are simple, I hate it when drums are used this way. When used correctly drums can add a new layer of mood to the song, think "Lazarus" or "The Sound of Silence" (either version). The other opening instrument, which I'm going to assume is some kind of guitar, doesn't work for me. It may be the sound, but it just doesn't work. Also, there those effects like from the opening of "Tom Sawyer" which is an actual good song and one of my favourite songs ever. This kind of sound worked their because they only used it once.

I'll give the instrumentals credit though, they sound a hell of a lot better than Dee Dee does. His voice is raspy and nasally, like if Marilyn Manson and Bob Dylan were singing coaches to the same person. The vocals also nearly drown out the instrumentals, but on other times Dee Dee's rapping style moves to fast it's like he is mumbling his lyrics. For comparison, Macklemore and Busta Rhymes both rap fast, but they're style is smooth and flowing. Dee Dee Ramone sounds like he is forcing every word out of his mouth, and the lines are delivered about as smooth as a nail bed.

The lyrics are also utter shite, and not just the part where he goes "fu-fu-fu-fu-funky!". No, Dee Dee sang worse lyrics than that, arguably though that may just be the best line in the whole song though because, Dee Dee King is a bit of an egocentric. He loves to tell people he was the bassist in a punk rock band, and his name is Dee Dee Ramone. Yeah, I know he calls himself Dee Dee King, but even he just says he is Dee Dee Ramone. Does he want to be called his stage name, or by his original stage name, wow this just got confusing.

The instrumentals somehow deteriorated. This is a large problem with doing these kind of text reviews because, I can't describe with 100 percent accuracy how bad the song actually sounds, so if you want to hear the guitar work around this portion, that is the reason why the song and video are posted up at the top. So, if you want me to describe the instrumentals, you know that trick that some guitarists do, where they play a not but it sounds kind of blocked or something, that's what is happening. I could end this review here, but we aren't even two minutes in, and this is a four minute song.

There is this odd part of the song (Saying a lot I know), where it almost sounds like somebody else is singing. Which begs the question, if he can lower his voice like that, than why does he sing with all that rasp? The song does practically end with him doing the same thing, with the same lyrics over and over again.

This song was awful. If Dee Dee Ramone wanted a rap career, fine more power to him, but he did so in such a horrible way that he never released another single afterwards. Everybody knew this song was terrible, and it was still released. Dee Dee's poor vocal work, painful flow, the awful instrumentals and the bad and repetitious lyrics, Dee Dee King definitely made one of the worst songs of all time.

Look, the 80s were an amazing time for music, but this is the kind of garbage you would get if you tried to make fun of the 80s by mixing together two genres that should not go together, punk rock is a very messy, rough and uncut genre, hip-hop is a stylized and smooth genre that requires rhythm and flow, the two can be mixed as we have seen with Rage Against the Machine, but the band knew what they were doing and how to properly mix the two genres, and they aren't even punk rock.

I'm done, next time will be an Ace on one of the most iconic songs of the 1980s.

Ace Audio: "Swimming Pools (Drank) - Kendrick Lamar

I don't think it's going to surprise anyone that I'm not a huge fan of the modern rap and hip-hop scene. I understand the appeal of most of it, not all of it, but the genre is not really for me which is kind of ironic when you consider that rock and rap are not that dissimilar to each other. Of course as someone who loves music I am of course going to have to listen to some rap and there is a lot of it I enjoy, I enjoy 2Pac and Biggie and The Beastie Boys, but my favourite rap song has got to be this one.

Knowing my dislike towards the mainstream pop hits of the 2010s, especially in 2012 it's kind of surprising that this would be my favourite rap song, but it is, even taking into account rap-rock songs like "Walk This Way" and "Renegades of Funk".

The opening bit is really cool, sounding like a peaceful dream of floating on water. The muted sounds also give a bit of a contrast to it all, sounding almost haunting. It's kind of like something that would begin a psychedelic song from Jefferson Airplane or Pink Floyd. The beginning vocals sound very auto-tuned, but I think it's more an effect that kind of pushes forth the theme of the song.

The song is kind of looking back on Kendrick's life with the opening lyrics stating he grew up with an alcoholic and then going on to discuss why people drink, stating that some like the feeling of drinking their cares away and others think that it makes them fit in more. This also adds to his own issues, which leads to the chorus.

I really love the chorus, just thinking about the image of a swimming pool full of liquor can bring to me so many questions. I can't really add more to it other than the fact that I like the sounds of the chorus and the vocals, even though they sound auto-tuned.

The second verse is different from the first as it is Kendrick's consciousness speaking to him and him worrying about drowning in some poison, which can be a metaphor for many things, the booze, depression, stress, fear, peer pressure, all sorts of things.

The final verse is spoken almost in whispers, it gives it a kind of bleak sound, like there is no turning back to any thing. The song is kind of dark as it quickly de-escalates into a darker side than it began.

It is this kind of theme and tone that makes a song stand out from the other pop hits of the 2010s such as previously reviewed songs such as "Call Me Maybe" and "Starships" which are more generic upbeat happy songs that just blend together.

I'm the Entity of Darkness, and next time something I should have tackled sooner.