And by the way, you can check out the reviews by clicking on the song title.
#10. Guerrilla Radio - Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine
Oh goody, we are really starting off strong. This abomination is a lounge-jazz cover of the Rage Against the Machine song and it really does show why you should not do lounge-jazz covers of hard rock and heavy metal songs. I doubt that the guys are taking this seriously, I mean they call themselves Lounge Against the Machine, they really are not convincing me that they're doing this in earnest, except that they're not really doing anything. They are covering the song, and doing nothing, if they weren't doing this in earnest, they would be doing something clever or funny with the song. At least it felt like Pat Boone covered those songs with some form of earnesty, but I feel like these guys are doing it as a joke without understanding what makes a parody song or a joke song work.
If instead of covering the song line for line, they could maybe have garbled a couple of lines to poke fun at Zak de La Rocha's rapping style, than it would be a bit funny, but instead we got a shitty, boring and bland cover of an awesome song that quite honestly should have been forgotten.
#9. Come and Get It - Selena Gomez
Generally I don't like pop music, sure there are some good and even excellent songs now and again, but most of it just shows up, does it's purpose and disappears. Except now, it gets forced down our throats until it just goes away, which is not what music is supposed to be like. But what really grinds my bolts is when the song is as obnoxious as an infant throwing a tantrum.
When your opening beat sounds like a dentist's drill going through your ears, you should redo the entire thing. On top of that, Selena herself has very little interest in the song, or at least that's what it sounds like in the song, which is another bad sign. Essentially all this song is just an obnoxious beat with a boring singer with a subject that has been done since music existed. I doubt that there is any worse combination.
#8. Untitled - Simple Plan
What a load of whiney, generic bullshit! That is all this song is, a whiney piece of trash with generic lyrics that are supposed to be deep and meaningful even though they are the same lyrics every beginner tries to write for a "deep and meaningful song from the heart". On top of that, the vocals are annoying, as if Bob Dylan somehow ate Gerard Way, before being kicked in the nuts. Seriously, this kind of song makes me wish I was listening to "Heathens" and I don't even like that song a lot. Music did take a bit of a hit in quality in some areas in the 2000s, but not everything that is utter crap is from the modern era.
#7. Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band
Generally, I would call a song like this a piece of fluff, but fluff is generally just a bunch of sugar and love, and I doubt any of that went into this song. What? You guys thought I was going to do the whole "That would be an insult to fluff" thing? Well, you're right because calling this song fluff is an insult to fluff.
I mean, what can I say? A large problem of this song is that it came out in the 1970s, a decade where the word "Tame" was being tossed out the window. Yeah, we had disco, but we also had songs like "Let's Get It On", "War Pigs", "Anarchy in the U.K.", "Stone Cold Crazy" and other songs containing explicit lyrics and themes that would have been considered taboo in previous decades. Sure a relatively tame song like this could easily become popular, but therein lies the problem, what really is worth holding on to with this song? The song's lyrics are not even wrapped in good metaphors and the instrumentals are slow and boring, and that is another large problem with the song. The song is just boring, nothing about this song is interesting on any level, the lyrics aren't interesting, in fact they are very obvious, the instrumentals are not interesting and the band isn't even that interesting, nor memorable. Really, the song itself is just one of those songs that you could lump into one of those "70's Classics" compilation CD's alongside the other tracks that nobody remembers.
#6. I Want to Know What Love Is - Foreigner
I know people love this song, but why? Seriously what is the appeal? Was it the "Sincerity"? Well, I highly doubt that because "I Want to Know What Love Is" works about as well as the classic "Hey baby, are you an angel?" pick-up line. "I Want to Know What Love Is" is like the barest minimum of a pick-up line, a line that drunks at the lowest of the lowest, low-end bars would not use.
On top of that, the song is just dull. It often just kind of drones and goes nowhere except for the awful chorus line, which it just decides to repeat, over and over and over and over and over until it digs into your brain like the Cerebral Bore, you know that badass gun from Turok II? Well, for anybody that has played the game, that would be a perfect comparison because after that thing digs into your brain it explodes. I think you can figure out what that means about this song on your own.
#5. This is How We Do - Katy Perry
If I could do my worst list of Katy Perry songs again, I probably would, but then again you try listening to over twenty songs from your most hated music artist and then tell me how easy it is. I feel as though the list itself could have used another rewrite, but I'm still confident that this would be the number one pick yet.
These kinds of songs irk me, the kind of songs that "Royals" was written in response to, the songs that say, "Life is perfect, strive to be this!". The reason these songs irk me is because of several reasons, starting with the fact that I am a fan of people like Doug Walker who have their fans on an equal level to their fame. Simply put, a song like this is essentially the singer saying that they'd rather have things than fans, or they just see fans as more things. It also doesn't help that listing off items does not make interesting lyrical content, and the fact that at the really worst, it feels like bragging. Add to that the fact that Katy Perry is my least favourite music artist and you have a song guaranteed to make this list. The downside is, it just gets worse from here.
#4. Everything I Do (I Do it For You) - Bryan Adams
Again, what was the appeal? This time the argument of the "Sincerity" does not work because "Everything I do, I do it for you" is a flat out creepy pick up line that borders on unhealthy obsession. At least "Every Breathe You Take" was supposed to be a stalker song, not a romantic song. Okay, I think I finally get the appeal. Yes, people thought "Every Breath You Take" was romantic, even though it was supposed to be disturbing, which makes it more ironic that I find this song disturbing when it was trying to be romantic, and that is no better shown than the song's second biggest issue, the vocal work.
Bryan Adams sounds like Raiden from the Mortal Kombat movie and he tries to sell it as soft and romantic, which makes the singing sound worse because now he was to make his voice slow and clear, especially when he's trying to sing what the instrumentals are trying to sell as an uplifting portion towards the end of the song, which unfortunately is probably more boring than the rest of the song. Let's talk about those instrumentals too, because if any instrumentals makes me wish I was listening to Michael Bublé instead it's this. Wow, Canada really has given the world a lot of meh and crap now haven't we?
#3. If You Leave Me Now - Chicago
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Oh sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard.
What we have here is one of the most boring songs in the entire god damn world, if Katy Perry is my least favourite music artist, than Chicago is, actually I can't go as far to say they are my least favourite band, especially when Foreigner and Buckcherry both exist, but oh man the band may as well be. I still stand by what I say about the 1970s, it was the best decade for music and I doubt anything will top it, but when the good stuff is amazing, the bad stuff is an equal level of awfulness, like the Yin and the Yang, for every amazing song, there is a song that is not.
Really, the entire problem of the song can be heard within the first minute of the entire thing, it's a break up song that sounds like a lullaby, and I don't want to feel sleepy when I hear a break up song, I want to feel compassion, sympathy or something else like that, not as though I'm sitting through Final Fantasy The Spirits Within, seriously, what is it with me and Video Game references today?
#2. Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen
This song is wretched, if anything this should have been my first auditory abomination because this is one of my most hated songs. I can barely even stand five minutes of this, why isn't this song a crime unto humanity?
Carly does no favours for this song, she does not have a good voice on this track, which is especially worse when you consider she does not have to bad of a voice. The instrumentals have this faux orchestral sound that just does not work, it just makes the song sound even more annoying. The song is also a total ear worm, completely taking over our brains and sticking out like a sore thumb, kind of like the DuckTales theme song.
Oh and one more tidbit, did you know that Carly Rae Jepsen is older than Adele? Yeah, I'm not kidding, by three years in fact.
#1. Starships - Nicki Minaj
Oh yes, I despise "Call Me Maybe" a hell of a lot more, but if I had to objectively point to the worst song I've reviewed for this blog this year, it has to be "Starships". At least "Call Me Maybe" had focus, this song begins with one beat and vocal style, transitions to another and ends with one more, and when I say transitions, I mean just kinda shifts into it, no build up, no nothing. The lyrics also serve as a downfall to the song mostly for being just as incoherent, starting like a party song, then going into lyrics about being able to have intercourse with whomever, then out of nowhere singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", that is if you can even understand what she is "Singing", as she yells so loudly that some of the words just get garbled into random noises, and sometimes the lyrics are just random noises.
This song is the worst, and you know what? I have another year of this to go. Well, next time I'm doing the best songs I've reviewed this year, see you then.
And with the total amount of crap I went through, here are a few dishonourable mentions, if you want to check out the song, I've left the link below the title.
1. Dark Horse - Katy Perry ft. Juicy J
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KSOMA3QBU0
Just a boring song with a very bad rap section. Honestly, if it wasn't for that and the fact that the song probably has no real idea of what it's about, it would have just been forgettable.
2. Crazy B*tch - Buckcherry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJ6pLKlU-8Q
Smut, pure smut, that is all this song is. If I want musical smut, I'll watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
3. We Built This City - Starship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1b8AhIsSYQ
Just an outdated piece of 80's cheese, nothing to much to say.
4. Satellite - P.O.D.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SV0Eq2aIM24
Another really uninteresting song, this time it's just a Nu Metal song, hooray. Plus, what is with that anime stuff in the video?
5. Smoke on the Water - Pat Boone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIqY-zvdESQ
Cringe music, this didn't make the list because I at least feel as though this could have worked.
6. St. Anger - Metallica
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rFoGVkZ29w
Lars' abysmal drumming and the incoherent lyrics and melody were what made this song bad, but with a rewrite and some better drumming the song could have been a decent track.
7. "Mr. Poe & Yogul" song from "Dorbees - Making Decisions"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofd1yvaw3Ms
It's pointless, annoying, stupid, unfunny and plenty of other words used to describe something in a negative connotation. However, this isn't even the worst song in the video, just the worst one that is interesting.
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